DOUBT

Chapter 3 - Open the Door.

Open the Door.

The bright rays bridge their way through the walls of sheer thin fabric, showcasing their presence behind the close fences of my eyelids. It has been like this for an hour now due to no particular reason in actuality because I have just refused to get out of my bed. Yet the real reason of me not moving an inch still exists, I am not that pathetic. Behind my rib cage, inside my throbbing heart, it exists, the fear exists.

By now I have imagined more than thousands of scenarios and each and everyone scares me more from the previous one. Life cannot be that hard and complex, can it? Can all the things that were a source of comfort be nothing but something to be afraid of, if they change a little or more? My life was complicated and not because it was hard to understand but because it was not easy to fix.

The only thing I had that was 'simple' with all of its perfect flaws, annoying smirks, tears followed by giggles, the knowledge that was supported by scoffs came from one connection and one person, Pamir. I always believed keeping things safe and simple helps a bit, especially when life is not exactly that. I am scared I will lose my simple. I will lose Pamir, because we will change and what if that change is not good for us because all my life I only experienced doubt and pain when things change or people change.

Simple and change, they do not go along, not at all.

All my last night's confidence in fixing everything was eaten away by my self-questioning idiotic self because I did not sleep, even for a blink, wondering about what will happen and I do not want to wonder. My brain feels like it's tired and broken.

"Yes, no school!" and I wanna kill myself. Can they stop existing- no that's mean. Oh, whatever! I cannot believe I love kids just not my own siblings. They are evil, annoying and they scream.

"I will bring her!" I just want to twist my self and put myself on flame only to come back from my ashes like a Phoenix. Very creative. I close my eyes until she thuds her way up the stairs and knocks, which she does not think to stop.

"You have to come, now!" She jumps up and down as soon as I open the door.

"What if I don't wanna?" I ask folding my hand over my chest as I stare down at her.

"It's good news Ezzy, come on!" She took my hand and pulled on it as I walked on her trail like a tail.

I hate that name.

"you know you can just tell me and I can walk on my own too." I mockingly say but I smell, "Are those french toast?" I want food now.

"Yeah, Pamir bhai's mother made them." I stare at the back of her head startled and confused as she pulls me to the kitchen. Pamir was there, sitting on the high stool as he leaned on the kitchen island with both elbows on the surface.

Looking at me he smiled. Wait do I see the crackpot happily smiling at me? Am I dreaming? He stands up and walks towards me awkwardly pushing his outer shirt's sleeves up into a roll. As closer as he gets, I understand. That smile is forced.

I feel someone cling to my right hand, tugging on it with full pressure, it's my little sister. Why is she grinning like goofy? And by goofy, I mean the character Goofy. This only caused me to smile in confusion.

"Did you know he would say yes?" In her squeaky voice, she shatters my fragile mind in the blink of an eye.

"What?" I choke on my saliva.

"He said yes." The sound of her sharp high-pitched cry has installed a virus as if an error has been generated through my veins. I can't believe this, he said yes? I was right, he is crazy. Why on earth will he settle to something so absurd?