DOUBT

Chapter 7 - Want to Go.

Want to Go.

Here I am at 3 in the morning, acting like Sheldon Cooper by picking my spot in this house while staring out of a floor-length window thinking why of all the things, I am having bad vibes about this. I have this strong vibe like I am about to experience how loneliness feels again. The irony in life is not that it repeats itself. The irony is we believe it won't. I thought it won't and I am afraid that it will.

Answers are supposed to help you in finding peace and I did find peace with the fact that no human will ever love me unconditionally because the chances of that happening are pretty low. So, I was supposed to be okay with the fact that I have Allah and I do not need anyone else then why do I feel like I will act human again and make a mistake of looking for a China-made version of that love, which people celebrate all the time.

I can't sleep while these thoughts are scrambling around inside of my head. Pamir lying, his father's image, and his mom's strength, the reason why they separated, and Pamir's anger. I can see stars from here, they are flashing bright but as much as they look astonishing, they are still unable to distract me from thinking about Pamir, what if Pamir does this to me?

I mean, he kind of has the right to do so because he does not love me and our marriage just has no equivalency to what actual marriages are supposed to be but is there a reverse button to our relation? Would we be able to be friends again? I mean my liberal-conservative mind rejected his proposal because I do not believe in those things but at the same time, I do not know what will happen after aunty. What are we supposed to do? He is my best friend; I might not trust him fully but I trust him enough to miss him.

What if he finds someone? I mean I for sure cannot love anyone because I have trust issues plus, I do not believe in the concept of love between two people anymore. At least I cannot afford it anymore, love is a luxury. There is no such thing like that anymore. People who think they love each other are in a relation of mutualism where both the parties are benefiting from each other, there is nothing unconditional between them and if it's not unconditional, it is not loving.

Maybe I should be happy in the future for him, if he finds someone at least he is the lucky one. I mean it's not like I love him like his mom loved his father. Sure, it would be a little lonelier but when was it not lonely in the human realm anyway? At least he gets to be happy in the end.

"Whatcha thinkin about?" And if I was not in my own little universe, I would have not done what I had done.

"Ouch!" Pamir said rubbing his stomach that I had just punched as his eyes scrunched in pain. I could not help but cover my mouth seeing what I have done in a knee-jerk.

"Sorry," I say making him sit as I pull my stretched-out legs to my chest to give him some space.

"You need to stop zoning out like that besides what are you even doing out here at this time?" Pamir glanced up with a complaining look in his eyes. I could not help but roll my eyes over his ignorance.

"You are the one who made me jump like that in the first place," pointing my defense, I move my hairs off my face as I lean back into the wall behind me.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you but why are you out, this late?" He asks as he looks behind me to the main wall.

"I could ask you the same thing," I rather moving about in circles then share with him my insecurities but he shows me the empty water bottle as an explanation instead.

"Oh," I whisper out seeing that I am stuck.

"Your turn." Pamir encourages as he makes himself comfy in his place as he leans back in the wall.