DOUBT

Chapter 4 - Happy Dead Soul.

Happy Dead Soul.

Any normal human with some valid certified brain cells will be happy after reading their wedding date, on the supposed invitation card on their tablet, but not me. July 19th, 2016, the date I am going to get married on. I am not very casual with the idea of marriage, to begin with. It comes with risks and compromises, both of which are out of my hand and I suck at it. Pamir, on the other hand, is taking everything so candidly that for a moment or two I think he was designed to get married. Can anyone be this comprehensive after making an orthogonal promise as he did? I thought not but seeing the outcomes I guess they can.

I throw the tennis ball up in the air as it hits the wall in front of me. It came back with a bounce. I kept on throwing the ball and hoping for something sensible to come out of this crisis.

'Why is it so hard for me?'

'Why I cannot be like everyone else?'

'Why must I be afraid?'

Whenever I think about getting married, I feel like I am six feet under the ground. As if the oxygen level is reducing by every second. I am not even near what people expect from a girl. I know aunty won't expect of me such things but what about me? I do not think I am able to disregard my flaws as a woman who can take care of a house, a home.

I am not someone one can casually call or consider as 'marriage material'. I am short-tempered. I am defending. I am someone who takes things in a sensitive manner. I do not move on, I constantly think about things, which people will usually ignore. I am not Pamir. I am not brave enough to jump off the cliff with the thought I could swim when I know I cannot. I am just me with all my flaws and my weaknesses in which my sturdiness comes as compulsory on the chart with flying colors when others held as minors.

I am not someone who backs off or gives up when she knows she is right.

I hit the ball again on the same spot but miss it and it was about to come in contact with my face as it comes back flying at me. I roll over and fell off the bed in the process with a thud sound. Great now my elbow hurts now.

'Clumsy as always.'

I shake my head, trying to remove the hair off my face. I hate myself for being this weak. I lean against the bed on the floor. It's funny how this is my last day as Ezzah Mahir. After what happens tomorrow, I am most probably going to be 'Ezzah Pamir Wadi' and what a joke. No, actually the joke part is on me because to Pamir everything is fun and games. I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with a person who thinks marriage is a mockery. I may not love him but I will never leave him like he thinks he can make me because that is what best friends do.

'I am going to make his life miserable instead.'

'Bara aya pre-nap wala!'

I might as well suck at this marriage stuff but I recognize it anyway. Marriage is a promise that two people make to each other. A promise for the welfare of one another, a promise of honor, of respect, not a self-considered manipulative stunt like he thinks it is.

It's no fun. If something happened like this any other day with other circumstances, I would have called Pamir right away. Blabbering nonsense one after another and he would have probably told me some logic solution or the good side of the story but who do I call now when the problem is him. I cannot be like, 'hey, Pamir you messed up this time and I wanna break your watermelon like head into half'.

'But I so wanna call him!'

It's been days now. I haven't been myself since all of that trash. Cannot I just call him and tell him he is a moron? That would be somewhat satisfactory. One call won't hurt, right?