Ghost Bird

24: A Very Kota Special: Kota's Letter

~Kota's POV~

I wake up when Silas rolls on top of me, partially pinning me underneath him. By the time I've maneuvered out, sleep is out of the question. I grab my glasses and trudge through the darkness to the library. Once safely insulated from the others, I check the time on my phone. The glowing screen nearly blinds my poor eyes. A quarter past four—I have at least a few hours before the others get up.

A shiver runs through me. Something about early morning is so lonely. Everything's quiet, nobody's moving, and there's no expectation that anything will happen. I sink into a cushioned armchair and rest my head in my hands. My eyes close, but not out of tiredness. Thoughts whirl through my brain. Different ideas tangle together; I pull at the knot, but I just make it tighter. Negative reporters, Jade, the end of the season—it's all too much. My fingers curl into fists, my fingernails digging into my palms.

I want hot chocolate.

I stand abruptly and lurch toward the desk. Stumbling, I grasp the edge of the desk chair; my senses aren't quite awake yet. It slams into the desk, dislodging a piece of paper. It flutters through the air and lands at my feet. I crouch down and pick it up.

The thick parchment weighs down my hand. Moonlight filters in from the windows, giving me just enough light to read. 'I hope you enjoy the books, Sang. Everyone contributed some of their favorites. I wish I could take you everywhere, but maybe these books will help you explore the places we cannot go. -Owen'.

The note falls through my fingers. Blood rushes out of my face. I've been too slow. I was content to watch from the sidelines as my brothers slowly developed feelings for Sang. She didn't notice their shy smiles or gentle touches. She's oblivious to the way we've all fallen for her. I've been too slow—and now Owen's making a move. Who else?

My nose scrunches, a habit from trying to push my glasses up. It doesn't matter who's trying to further their relationship with Sang. I saw how this would end up over a month ago. There's only one way we can all be happy with Sang, and that's if we all date her. Jealousy courses through my veins. Instead of pushing it away, I embrace it. This will only work if we learn how how to work through our negative feelings. I can start by not letting my jealousy overwhelm me.

The green cotton of my pajama pants slides against the desk chair when I sit down. Reaching for the pen and paper I stored in one of the drawers, I take a deep breath and resolve to write a story. My emotions are too complicated for me to think about now, and I hope that writing them out will make them clearer. Energy courses through my body. Maybe if I let Sang read my story, she'll understand my plan. I won't let her go into this blind.

And so, my pen illuminated by moonlight and my heart pushing the sleep from my body, I write.

The Story of Sang and Kota

I found myself spending inordinate amounts of time studying others. How they shook their head, how they swung their arms—it was all so real compared to the plastic people surrounding me. I was dreading casting the female lead, because I knew lots of girls would take advantage of the opportunity to get close to us. It made it difficult to sort out the true contenders from the posers. When I saw the tiny girl standing at the gate with tears in her eyes, a sliver of my heart became hers. Something about those wide green eyes drew me in. Ten long seconds passed.

I never regretted my decision to invite her in.

Sang wasn't innocent; none of us were. It was hard to resist the temptation of the Hollywood lifestyle. If anyone could claim to be immune to its powers, it was Sang. When I first saw her apartment, I wanted to pull her out that very instant. Seeing someone so beautiful living in a place so awful tore at my heart. Still, I remained patient and studied my brothers. The secret looks that went around that plastic table wove a story more complex than any tapestry could portray.

It seemed my cheeks were permanently stained red from all the blushing I did around Sang. One night, I realized that I had a crush on her. It was so tempting to call her, to drive to her apartment as fast as I could and tell her my feelings. Something held me back, though. I loved my brothers. I saw their secret looks, and I knew I was not alone in my feelings. My lips remained closed, although each time my eyes met Sang's, I was sure the awestruck look in them would betray me.

It wasn't difficult to confirm their feelings. They didn't know what I was doing, of course. Everyone assumes I'm oblivious for some reason, but I'm really not. After that, I waited for proof that Sang returned the feelings, if not for myself, then for anyone. However, she never noticed our tender looks. When I saw the first signs of escalation that could potentially lead to a relationship (a real one, not the media stunt with Silas), I took it upon myself to avoid a disaster.

Sang: I like you. I think my brothers do, too. I know it's unusual to have multiple people like the same person, but I think we can make it work. Of course, it's not an issue if you see us as no more than friends. I'm honored to be your friend, and I would be perfectly happy staying your friend. However, I want to hold your hand, comfort you when you're sad, kiss you goodnight and be your knight to scare off any nightmares. I like you a lot, Sang.

My face contorts into a grimace. Is that too much? I don't want to creep her out. The first rays of dawn peak through the maze of buildings, and I realize that I spent over two hours writing. The pen falls from my tired hand. I don't know if I'm going to give the story to Sang, but I do feel better. I fold up the paper and tuck it into the pocket of my pajama pants.

When I creep back into the living room, everyone is still. Sang's silky hair forms a halo around her peaceful face. She looks so sweet with the gentle light cascading over her. I step around Nathan and Sean so that I'm right next to her. I want to kiss you goodnight. Without another thought, I bend over and brush my lips against her forehead. Her mouth turns up into a tiny smile.

I crawl back into my blanket nest and close my eyes. An hour later, a tap on my shoulder wakes me up. "Kota, North made pancakes," a soft voice whispers. I look up into those wide green eyes. Sang smiles.

"Thanks, sweetie," I murmur.

Sang rushes off to chat with the others standing in the kitchen. I reach into my pocket and rub my thumb over the paper tucked inside. I want to tell her so badly that the secret almost bursts from my lips. It's torture keeping my feelings hidden so that I can give my brothers a chance. If I asked her to be my girlfriend right now, they would be destroyed. They wouldn't tell me that, of course. They want me to be happy, just like I want them to be happy. It's a conundrum.

The resolve I felt when I wrote the story is gone. In its place rests a mass of nerves. Nathan asks me if I'm okay during breakfast, and Sean offers to make me some tea. It's so obvious that something's wrong. As everyone says their goodbyes and heads home for a much deserved day off, I linger at the sidelines until it's just Sang and me left.

"Did you have a fun time, Kota?" she asks.

I reach into my pocket. "Definitely. What about you? This was your party, after all."

A huge smile blossoms on her face. "I loved it! I love every minute of hanging out with you guys."

My heart clenches. Before I can second guess myself, I pull out the paper and hold it out to her. Her eyebrows go up. She takes it and unfolds it gently. "You have such neat handwriting," she teases.

I feel numb as I watch her eyes trace along the writing. An eternity later, she looks up. Her eyes connect with mine. Relief is the only thing I notice. "I like you too, Kota," she says.

Those words ease the pain in my heart. I pull her into a hug, her head resting perfectly on my shoulder. Her heartbeat echoes in my chest; it matches mine. We breathe as one.

"I like you a lot."