The Double Edged Sword

04

Slamming the sliding door of the Urahara Shop open I kicked off my shoes angrily before smashing the door shut. I slammed it so hard that dust came down from the ceiling. I groaned loudly to myself when the dust was visible and grabbed a handful of my gigai's short black hair to calm down.

Everything was falling apart, first, she shows up, then Ichigo basically disappears from my life, then Kisuke, then our friend group takes her in; it's like nothing is mine anymore.

Pausing I squeezed at the roots of my scalp till the chopped black fringe drooped into my eyes. Seeing the color I felt disgusted with myself. I felt so childish. 

This dark hair was a step in the right direction in trying to deal with my trauma. 

To feel like a different person. A stronger person. Someone who wasn't so emotionally deformed.

To cope with myself without seeing the long purple hair my Grandfather commented on frequently. A constant reminder of the interactions with the old man. This school, this teenage appearance, it was all supposed to dim the blinding rage and lack of empathy I felt. 

And it worked. Fuck it all worked so well. For years I've been able to push aside my inner feelings; to cope with my loss. To cope with the betrayal. Ichigo had been my constant bandage, worrying over him, watching him grow, and monitoring his spiritual pressure. The schoolgirl routine Kisuke had suggested worked wonders in allowing me to experience a somewhat 'normal' life alongside my companion. 

I almost let it all go. I could almost forget, I could almost get lost in the beautiful simplicity that was being best friends with Ichigo Kurosaki. His precense alone swept me off my feet, out of the darkness that resided in my own soul. 

But right now all I can feel is the same rage, confusion, and loneliness that I felt years ago.

'What's wrong with me!?'  

I felt angry tears welling up in my eyes as I tugged on the strands roughly. 

'Was my mental standing really so fragile that all it took was one little girl showing up to ruin it all?'

 I closed my eyes quickly while tilting my head back to take a deep breath; I stayed like that. Just trying to contain my breathing and my panic. Fuck it is. I've been reduced to this state after such a short amount of time. I was playing myself thinking I had gotten better. Gritting my teeth together I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter trying to ease the growing anxiety. 

I was scared. 

Scared of the anger I felt.

Scared of the pain.

And scared of the throbbing emptiness sitting in the center of my chest.  

'I can't fucking stand this feeling!'

"Zumi" Kisuke called from somewhere in the room. His appearance was so sudden that it startled me. I was so wrapped up in my own head right now that I hadn't even sensed him enter the room.  

Some deep part of me wanted to smile at the old petname he called me. But the want was drowned out by anger. He had been pulling away from me too, this was his fault too. If only he hadn't of accepted that girl here. She wouldn't have infiltrated my life!

"Zumi calm down, I could feel your reiatsu spike from earlier all the way here." He whispered quietly. I sighed aggressively then opened my eyes meeting his. I almost didn't notice the surprised expression his eyes held until they became calculating. He was observing me like one of his test subjects.

I knew he was right. 

I knew I should listen. 

To be mature about this entire instance, I was the Granddaughter of the Captain Commander, the Daughter of one of his most trusted and loyal subordinates. The daughter of someone who was stern, straightforward, and uncaring. If my Mother could see me now, I'm sure she'd disregard me as a sniveling brat.