White cloths spread over table tops,
Hundreds of strangers, both students and parents.
Pouring through the doors, just more
And more
And even more
*
My vision was so clear,
But these familiar faces remind me of the things I haven't done.
Now tears make the clarity disappear.
People flooding the room, making it an ocean
Drowning in the ocean, I fear that I will sink and never reappear.
*
But I must suck it up.
Sit down and look straight up.
Not daring to look ahead,
Not daring to look back.
Don't look left, don't look right.
Just sit and hold your head upright
Because up is the direction of space and the clouds.
Where many people believe a loved one goes when they die.
*
Sitting, listening to the success of my peers
So and so got accepted into seven different colleges.
Isn't that something.
My mother's glare from across the table,
Isn't it something
Maybe she wouldn't glare if I amounted to something.
If only I was more like the others, maybe then will the screams stop.
Maybe then my tears, my heart, my worth won't continue to drop
*
Until then, my tears will create a puddle,
A lake, an ocean.
Because tears, like me, can't go up until after they have fallen down.
*
Oceans, lakes, rivers and streams.
Razors, ropes, and a bottle of methylphenidate
A bullet, a bridge, a final sleep.
*
The easiest way to go up,
Is to lay down,
And never wake back up.
*
But sometimes you have to wake up,
To stand up
To swim back up.
*
There are people who believe in you,
Who need you.
*
Or sometimes it's just ignorance, idiocy, or just lies.
Sometimes the words "It'll be ok,"
"Tomorrow is another day,"
"You will find a better way,"
Are exactly what they are, words
Empty words being given to an empty person.
*I am unsure if I am stupid for trying,
For hoping,
But I wake up each day,
And that is how it will stay.
