Trial & Error ✓

25 | food & crushes

2 5

food & crushes

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THE FIRST RULE of having a crush on someone was a fairly easy one: create as much safe distance between you and them as possible. This rule was created so that girls like me who didn't have their lives exactly put together would have some time to sort themselves out and figure out if they held true feelings or not before they ended up in a bigger mess than they started in.

​When I first realized my feelings for Brett, I had done the reasonable thing and gave myself some space before even talking to him or looking him in the eye again. Sure, our relationship hadn't ended so well — if by not ended so well, you mean careened into tumultuous waters and crashed in a fiery death — but what was good about it was definitely good.

​In Caleb's case, the distance part was pretty hard to get down since we lived in the same building, but I made it work to the best of my abilities. Clearly, it wasn't enough because my feelings for him had become a lot more complicated and strange ever since I had been pulled along into this madcap adventure I was on. I definitely needed more space still, and waking up in his apartment or hanging out with him on my balcony was not the solution to that problem.

​So tell me why I was doing the opposite of that by letting Teddy Burke take me out to breakfast before I went to work? Right after the conclusion of my feelings for him had come to my head. The easiest way to answer was that this food was free and that I never turned down free food. I hadn't turned it down with my high school English teacher after I graduated until I noticed his hand inching closer to my knee and knew this dinner wasn't just a congratulations for graduating with top honors. I hadn't turned it down when Brett's mother invited me over for dinner and to meet me for the first time, which coincidentally was three days after we had broken up and he had never gotten around to telling her. It only made sense that I found myself in this predicament.

​It was a nice place, too, a place downtown called Lane Street. We were sitting together outside at a table on the restaurant's outdoor deck, among other patrons whose lives didn't seem to be suffering from the same emotional turmoil that I was. Men and women were sitting together and conversing softly amongst each other, giving the appearance that this was nothing but a regular morning.

It seemed to be a regular morning for Teddy too, who was holding his menu up to his face so that only his eyes peeked out over it. And those eyes happened to be trained on me, like he was pretending to be a spy in one of the movies. I needed to create some distance between us — which included not finding every single weird thing he does to be endearing — but Teddy was a special case.

"What the hell are you doing," I asked, trying to stifle a laugh.

"Just observing you is all," he shrugged, lowering the menu. "You know, I never even took Violet here before, Lane Street has always been my place to have time to myself. It's just nice, you know, being here with you — with someone else."

I nodded, unsure of what else to do about that.

"Are you excited for the party at Selena's," he asked after a few minutes of silence passed.

I shook my head immediately after he finished that sentence. "No, definitely not. Just the thought of it terrifies me, Teddy."

He frowned in confusion, resting his chin on his hand. "Really? What about it scares you?"

"You're putting yourself into a dangerous situation while I'm just supposed to pretend that everything is fine at that party," I said in a low whisper before realizing how that sounded. Did I sound like a normal friend or like I was harboring feelings for him? What did that matter, he was in danger no matter how I felt about him. Get your head in the game, Marilyn.