I Miss You Momma

Six and a Half.

That's how many months pregnant I am. I haven't cut myself in almost five months. I scratch my arms a lot though. But I make sure there isn't very much blood. Not so much that I can't see straight. Just a little. Like the amount you get from ripping off a scab.

I'm having a girl momma. I'm going to name her Nessa. After you. I hope you like that. Because when daddy suggested it I cried. But then I smiled a little. My first genuine smile in years. I didn't force this one. I just smiled. I feel so proud of myself. I feel a little warmer. A little less broken. A bit better. I like to think you smiled then to. I really hope your proud of me momma, because all I ever wanted to do make you proud.

I have a puppy named Smoot, because one of the little kids giggled when I mispronounced smudge as Smoot. And the name just stuck I guess. Thats weird but I liked it.

I still don't smile a lot. But when I do its usually a real smile. Not a big smile, but at least it's a real one right?

I went shopping for baby things today, among other things. I decided I wanted to make her nursery a cotton candy ish themed room. So we got paint and wall decals and such.

We also got this soft white teddy bear. I had a bear like that when I was little. I almost cried when I saw it, but I knew I had to get it so I did. Things are getting a bit better I think. I hope they are. I really really hope they are. I hope I am.

But that is something that I could be wrong about. Everything can change so quickly. I learned that a long time ago. When you died momma.

But I'm taking this one step at a time. Just like everyone is telling me to. And the days are getting easier to handle. Life is getting easier to go through. But whether or not it stays that way isn't up to me, its up to the universe.

Hopefully I haven't failed the universe like I failed you momma. I'm still sorry about that by the way. I should have tried to do more. But I can't think about that right now. I just can't.

Because I know what follows those thoughts. Bad things. Quinn took away my razorblade, but I could find something else to use.

But I'm not going to. Because I'm not going to break my promise to myself, I'm not going to fail this child. I refuse to. I have failed everyone else at least once. I won't fail my little Nessa.

So I'm going to stop thinking about hurting myself and go eat dinner, because I have to eat food so I don't starve myself. That and I'm hungry.

I'll talk to you later momma, till next time.