I Miss You Momma

I'm Sorry

I started cutting again momma. I failed. But I guess thats not surprising.

Because that's what I am momma. A failure.

Do you want to know why I started cutting again? I was in the grocery store with leona back home, and these girls from the highschool I used to go to saw me, and they just started laughing. At me.

Apparently I'm not just a little slut anymore. I'm the little slut who got knocked up.

Apparently Markus told everyone he had sex with me. But he never mentioned that I didn't want it.

And when they walked away I grabbed a pack of razor blades, paid for the food I needed and went home.

Once I was home I put 28 cuts on my legs. Each leg had 14 nice straight cuts on my thighs. I put them on my legs so I could just wear jeans and nobody would think anything of it.

I failed momma, I'm sorry. But it felt so good, I missed that sweet release. I missed it so much and I hate myself for liking it but I do. It makes me feel better. I get what I deserve.

I put Nessie in a playpen with one of the other babies before I did it.

I told Daddy I wasn't hungry when he told me that everyone was ordering food. Even though I was.

I don't deserve food right now. I deserve to die. But I won't die. Because I'm not going to leave Nessie like you left me.

So now I'm writing in this journal, crying silently as I do. Because I'm a terrible mother, a terrible daughter and just an overall terrible person. And I'm sorry about that. I really am.

And I swear I'm trying momma. But its so hard. Its really, really hard. Because I really want to die. But it wouldn't be fair to leave Nessie without parents. Because I'm all she has.

I hope everything works out. But they probably won't. I don't want to loose my fight.

But my brain is working against me. That little voice in my head saying I'm not good enough, that I don't deserve to live, it's gotten so loud. Its hard not to listen, and I'm not strong enough to stop myself. I try to be but I'm not.

And I'm sorry that I'm weak. And I'm not just apologizing to you momma. I'm apologizing to everyone. To Nessie, to Daddy, to everybody.

I'm so, so sorry that I'm still broken. I don't want to be but I am. And I have to accept that before anything gets better but I don't know if I want to.

What I really want to do is die. Just drink some bleach and die. It would be so easy. It really would be.

But that's not what I'm going to do yet. I'm still fighting. And I'm not going to stop till there isn't anything left in me, I swear it.

Till next time momma.