I Miss You Momma

My Little Ray Of Sunshine.

Four hours ago I gave birth to my little girl. Nessa was born at three in the morning on May 25. She'll be eight months old on christmas day, that was one of the first thing Shay told me when she first saw my little nessie. And that made me frown, because I realized that would be my fourth Christmas without you momma. Then I smiled. She would be eight months old when she experienced her first christmas. She would be crawling around and babbling. She may have even said a first word.

I love her so much already momma. She cried when she first came into the world and that made me so happy. Because that meant she was healthy. It meant that for once in my life I hadn't failed at something. I did good.

When they got her cleaned off and wrapped in a blanket Quinn told me Nessa was probably hungry, and then promptly kicked everyone out so she could teach me how to breastfeed nessie.

I am apparently pretty good at this whole mom thing because Nessa latched on immediately. Either that or she was really hungry. But I'm going with the first option.

I've never loved something so much momma. Nothing, nothing except maybe you. For hours I didn't even think about the scars on my arms that I knew everyone saw because I was wearing something short-sleeved when I gave birth. And I haven't worn something short-sleeved since I was 13. Since before I started branding myself with cuts. I don't know if anyone else besides Markus or Quinn ever saw them. I never ever let anyone see them on purpose.

But everyone has seen them now. They know what they mean. But I hope they know I'm getting better. That I haven't cut in almost 9 months. That I haven't thought about doing it for over three months. That I'm not going to leave.

Not quite yet anyways.

I'm watching Ness sleep on a co-sleeper thingy that fits securely on my bed. Because apparently the first six weeks or so Nessa probably won't sleep through the night at all. And this makes things easier. And when I brought up the fact that The American Academy of Pediatrics discourages co-sleeping, Shay said screw them, they probably don't know what they're talking about. And it does work nicely from what I've seen.

I can't wait till she's older. Till I get to dress her up and talk to her and take her to the zoo or the park. Till she starts walking around and talking.

But as of now, she's a small potato child. But she's my small potato child.

I don't think I mentioned what she looked like momma, but I kinda want to keep that a surprise for now. In my next entry I'll supply pictures of Nessie and her nursery and maybe even some of me.

I'm doing better momma. I hope your proud. Because I'm proud of myself. I really am. And that feels good.

Till next time momma.