I Miss You Momma

Doing Better.

I'm really doing better. Nessa's nursery is almost finished. Actually, my pregnancy is coming to a close as well. I'm nine and a half months pregnant and I'm almost done with this chapter of my life.

The next one will include a small little child. Her name will be nessa, and she'll be my world. The reason I keep going. The reason I'm doing better.

Everyone is fussing over me like I'm a glass figurine and I'm going to break. But I'm stronger now. I like to think so anyways.

Did I mention that I haven't been going to school either? Even since I told daddy what happened, I've been homeschooled. This isn't me complaining though. Because if I had continued to go there I don't think I would be doing as well. In fact I don't think I'd be doing well at all. So I'm glad I stay home and do online school. I get to hang around all the little kids and the adults, which is nice.

Adelaide painted the walls in Nessa's nursery. She offered to do it and I'm so glad she did. The whole room looks amazing. We didn't even use the wall decals we bought because she deemed them unnecessary. At first I didn't like that she thought we didn't need them, but then I saw what she did instead. She really is amazing at what she does. It looks like a bubblegum paradise, but not in a sickly sweet kind.of way. In a whimsical and beautiful kind of way.

I really like it. I think you would have to momma. I'm smiling more, and it feels good to smile. I get why people like mitch and quinn do it so often. It makes me feel happy. I like that feeling a lot.  I think you did to, because I remember loving your smile. It was so pretty, just like you. I miss you a lot momma, but missing you doesn't make me sad in a bad way anymore. It's not an empty sad now, its more like a reminiscent kind of sad. A nostalgic kind of sad. I hope that makes sense to you like it made sense to me in my head.

I've been crying a lot less, to. I don't cry myself to sleep anymore. I think that's a good thing. But I still scratch my arms. They still bleed. But not as much. But I'm still not completely healed. I'm still broken. I think I always will be. But maybe thats okay.

Because I'm starting to realize something momma. Everyone here is broken. Everyone here has something wrong with them whether they admit to it or not, they have some sort of problem. But thats okay. Some people loose their fight, but I refuse to loose mine. For Nessa's sake if not for my own. Because I refuse to let nessa go through what I did. What I still am.

Because I'm a fighter momma. You made me a fighter. Everyone here chipped in a little. And in a way, I'm thankful that I got raped. Because even though it was horrible and I hated it, it gave me a reason to keep going. It gave me nessa. From the dark was born light. Hell gave way to heaven. The rain produced a rainbow.

From markus I got nessa. My little girl. My little ray of sunshine in all this darkness. I'm glad that something good came from all this bad. Because the world needs a little bit of hope when dealing with the thick fog that is evil. Everyone needs their rainbow.