I Miss You Momma

Not a Potato Anymore.

Momma my little potato is 7 and a half months old now. And It makes me want to cry because she grew up so fast!

We're setting up Christmas decorations around the house, and everyone traveled out to the Grayson's place in alaska to spend Christmas. Weird thing is, Jane showed up as a ghost. Everyone started crying, but Nessie tried to chew on her shoes, but she was a ghost so that didn't work out all that well.

My tiny adorable potato is about to experience her first christmas, and I'm extremely excited.

And if you were wondering, I-I haven't cut since Nessie was born. But when I get stressed or upset I scratch my arms a lot, till they bleed. And I think about where I have a pocket knife in a box deep inside my closet. I took it out once, I almost used it. Then Daddy called for me from the other room and I put it away. But I admit when I tell people that I'm fine, that everything is amazing, half the time I'm lying. I love my little girl and I haven't forgotten my promise but I don't know how long I'll be able to stay okay for.

Because one thing could trigger a chain reaction that makes me grab that knife and use it for real.

But that's me getting off topic. Nessie, she loves the snow up here. She loves watching the dogs run around in it, she laughs so hard.

I love her so much. But I think it might only be a matter of time before I fail her to. Because that's what always happens. I'm pretty much always a failure.

The thing is, everyone I know who has survived to see their 30s had someone. Zaida had Grandma. Momma you had Daddy. Auntie Baby had Uncle Joshua.

But I don't have anybody. Not yet anyways. Though I don't know if that'll ever happen for me.

I'm damaged. Nobody wants to date a sixteen year old girl with a seven month old daughter.

At least not very many people do. Out of the people I've met, those who would I grew up with.

And that's kinda weird to. So I'm doomed to be alone forever.

But I promise momma, I'll keep writing. Hopefully I'll keep living to.

I'm going to turn seventeen soon. In three months. But you know that, or at least you should.

I know I usually write more, but they need me downstairs. So till next time momma..