War Inside my Heart // Achilles

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"Let us eat" Paris declared making me snap back into reality. With every step I take, I feel like everyone is watching my every move. I uncomfortably walked towards the vacant seat which is unfortunately in front of Achilles.

Helen sat at the right side of my brother with Briseis on his left. I was sat beside Andromache which is in front of Achilles. I inhaled sharply as tension filled the room. Why did this have to happen?

Why did they give me a seat that is in front of Achilles?

Why?

I held my gaze low as Achilles' blue eyes bore into me. Watching my every move in apprehension. I wonder what's going on inside his head. Why does he have to look at me that way? Do I look like an enemy to him? Is he alarmed that I might harm his family?

Andromache handed me the plate full of meat. I remember when Achilles took me in his tent after the Spartans made fun of me. I remember how he tried to clean my cuts but I was hopeless. I remember how he tried to be patient with me during my roughest days.

Oh, Achilles, what would I give just to be with you again.

I quickly took a piece of meat and placed it in my plate before taking some strawberries from the wooden bowl when Achilles' hand accidentally brushed against mine. I quickly retreated my hand back when I felt electricity in his touch. My lips parted as I raised my eyes to see if my cousin saw what happened.

And for the love of Hades, of course she did.

She gulped and held her head high as she looked at me then at Achilles before turning to the little girl sitting in between Achilles and Briseis. I waited for Achilles to finish with the strawberry and once he placed the strawberries on the little girl's plate, I took the opportunity to grab some for myself.

From my peripheral view, I saw Paris watching us with a weary look on his rugged face. I made my actions small. I ate without stretching my arm too much to avoid their attention and it surprisingly worked. The tension in the air quickly vanished as Paris started a topic about his city.

I didn't listen to any of those. I'm not going to be the queen and I have no intention in being a queen. I'm just going to be by Paris' side as his sister and as the city's Princess, nothing more, nothing less.

After breakfast, I quickly excused myself. I let out a heavy sigh as I walked out of the castle. A small smile made its way to my lips as I faced the sea. It's as if I'm still in Troy. It's still as if Troy was never burned to ashes.

I removed my sandals to feel the fine grains of the white sand on my feet as I walked towards the shore. The wind was blowing softly as I stopped to take a seat near the shore with my sandals beside me. The warm sun was shining brightly and it felt good against my skin. I closed my eyes in order to relax myself as I tried to block out the events earlier. It went way better than I expected.

Achilles may not remember me but I am still happy that I get to see him again. I remember how desperate I was to see him again. I wanted to touch him, to hold him in my arms but now that I just discovered that he's married to my cousin, seeing him is enough for me. He looked happy and contented with everything that he has in his life and I am happy for him, even if I am not a part of his life anymore.

I slowly opened my eyes and watched the calm waves of the sea. Seeing these waves again instantly calmed my battling heart and mind. I breathed the fresh salty air as I played with the fine grains of sand that is surrounding me.

This scene seemed perfect. Having breakfast in a large castle. Wasting your time by watching the calm waves of the sea. It seemed perfect but in reality it isn't. You never know what you'll get. A small wave or a big wave, you'll never know. But it's always up to you on how you'll face those waves. You can either try to swim or drown and facing Achilles and Briseis without showing how hurt I am is just like facing those big heavy waves and I can't help but to drown in dreary.

"Paris really did a great job in rebuilding his city"

A comforting sweet voice from my behind startled me making me turn my head to see who's talking. "Yes, indeed" I smiled, feeling proud of my brother as I looked at the palace behind me. I rested my chin on top of my knees as I felt Andromache sit beside me.

"Are you alright?" She asked after a moment of silence.

I bit my lip and focused my attention to the calm waves hitting the shore. "Hmmm. I guess?" I said. The way I answered sounded so uncertain and I am pretty sure Andromache heard that when I saw her look at me from my peripheral view.

"It is okay"

"What is?"

"It is okay to not be alright"

I shifted myself uncomfortably before looking at her. She gave me a meaningful smile. Is it really? Is it okay to not be alright?

"Why do we always lie to ourselves?" Andromache asked although it seemed like it was as if she wasn't asking me. It knew that it was a rhetorical question so I turned my attention to the sea once more.

"Why do we always say that we are okay even if we know for sure that were not?"

I moved my legs and tucked them in front of me. I held my head low as I watched the wind blow a couple grains of sand away. I couldn't help myself but to answer.

"Because we like to think that we are okay. Even if we are not okay, we still want to feel that everything is going the way we wanted it to be so we say everything is okay"

A melodic chuckle escaped from Andromache making me smile. "It is very unbelievable, isn't?" She said.

Is she talking about Achilles and Briseis or me being alive? Or maybe everything because everything just seems very surreal.

"Achilles and Briseis?" I asked.

"Yes, them" She sighed. I slowly nodded and leaned forward to play with the sand as I waited for Andromache to speak.

"When they announced that they are getting married, I only thought of you."

My heart felt heavy as I remained silent. I wanted to scream in agony. I wanted to cry my heart out but I just couldn't and I can't. I have to look happy for the both of them because in reality, I have no right to be sad.

"From what I can remember, you were supposed to get married to Achilles, isn't that right?"

My eyes widened with what Andromache said. How does she know? How does she know that we were supposed to escape from Troy to get married and build our own family in Larissa?

"How did..."

I didn't get the chance to finish my question when Andromache spoke up. "Achilles told me as soon as we made it out of the castle"

My heart swelled with what she said. Achilles talked about me?

"Will you tell him who you are?"

I froze with her question. Paris must've told her. My head is spinning as I tried to think about it. Should I tell him? Should I tell him what we were ages ago? Should I tell him that he was supposed to be my husband in Larissa? Should I tell him that we were once enemies?

I remember asking Achilles to marry someone as I died in his arms. I asked him to live his life, to love again without thinking of me. I asked him those and now that he finally found his family and if I told him who I am, I will surely break them and who am I to break that family? They look happy and contented with whatever they have in this life. I am sure that he doesn't need to know who I am.

A tear fell on my cheek as I hugged my legs and rested my chin on top of my knees once more.

"No, Andromache. I will never tell him that I was once an important part of his life"

-
I know I'm sorry. I'm a terrible human being.