Divulging Remorse ✔

Chapter 34

Dearest Riya,

I know my name made you cringe and sadly I can never make up for the dark nights that never turned into a day for you. How I wish you'd know what a mess I've become into; perhaps you'd melt if you see me. The sight of your beautiful face still lingers in my eyes when I saw you years ago at Taksim square that day. Only if your husband wouldn't have been there, I would have made everything clear and you could have possibly been mine today. One thing is true, fate is a b*tch but it's also true that they've all used you as a queen of their master game of chess. 

Forever your love, 

Zayn. 

When the frustration built and she thought she might explode - she took a deep breath. She wanted to shout, have a tantrum and beat her hands on the ground like a toddler. She wanted to vent, let it out, but she didn't want to say words she didn't mean, be hurtful. It's just so easy to be cruel in that moment and then the damage is done. To none but one's own self. Too many times she'd wanted to unsay things and take it back. She was learning how to deal with it, but slowly. 

Instead of letting it take her down, she told herself that everything will be alright, just what she had done so many times. Fear only held her back, stopped her from reaching her dreams. But that's why she had decided to resurface her soul when the people around her were making her drown. She had been a fighter all by herself, strived to come through yet why did she feel exactly like being back to zero? 

Arshiya gripped her shoulder, "What does he say?" 

"Does he even have anything to say?" Riya sighed, sinking down on the couch behind. 

"You know Arshiya? There was a time in my life I expressed my feelings in a true way, but we can't go on like that, right? We can't keep bawling and be throwing tantrums like babies, like crazy toddlers; we do need to get a grip on our own minds. But there is a balance, that I want to be passed so long ago. I don't feel sorry for myself either. Today, I know I have a career of my choice, a family who loves me, meanwhile, every other feeling is crammed into my chest.  How do I defuse this bomb without triggering the damage I seek to avoid?" 

"I know, Riya. Things really didn't turn out the way you wanted. That's what its called, destiny."

"Oh, it's really not about what I wanted, at least not anymore."

Sitting beside her, Arshiya smiled softly, "Sometimes, I think you feel guilty of Moutasim's death, Riya. I've been noticing these changes in you for a lot of months. It makes me happy of course, your blissful spiritual journey and you're a whole lot calmer now. Though, I also badly miss your fussing around, creating drama every single day." 

Riya stared at her little sister. It was funny how her family didn't know about Moutasim's "come-back" just as yet. She wanted to keep it that way until the cases weren't solved, it would mean a lot to his security. 

"I miss my self too," she laid her head back and closed her eyes briefly. 

Arshiya took the letter from her grasp and kept it away on the table, "Your past is knocking at your door once again. Don't you think you ought to give a chance?"    

"Zayn is the biggest lie of my life! There is no question of giving him a chance anymore."

"I'm not asking you to accept him right away. Have you ever thought about it, Riya? You never even gave a chance to speak for himself. Baba declared that he was already married and you believed, yes?"

She froze, the corner of her eyes crinkled, "If Agha Jaan and Baba gamed me into marrying Moutasim, I swear I won't forgive them." 

"So, you got married as a revenge to Zayn?" Arshiya chuckled sadly, "See? It had already become a battlefield without you two even speaking first."