debauchery *gawsten* ✓

Chapter Eighteen

12.29.17
edit: 8.19.20
tw; self-harm, mention of substances, and self-deprecation
946 words

awsten p.o.v.

it was eleven thirty christmas eve, and i still haven't gotten otto's present. i got geoff's the day he asked me to be his boyfriend. it was a yellow-lilac vase with pink-yellow lemonade daisies to put in it. the daisies i had to put on hold at the florist. the vase was wrapped and sitting underneath the tree.

i tried looking for otto's that day too. since the closest heb was open 24/7, i wanted geoff to come with me to get something.

maybe some orange juice along the way, too.

i snuck into otto's room to go to the roof. geoff had been going there every night, but he didn't tell me or otto why.

i carefully opened otto's window and clambered out. i heard some rustling and looked toward the sound. my heart dropped out of my ass when i processed what i was seeing.

"awsten, babe, i can explain-" geoff said while he was packing up the kit. "i-i-"

i shook my head and backed away. i knew for a fact that otto had told him about drugs and my mum. i turned away from the window and ran downstairs as quietly as i could. i could just barely hear geoff waking otto up.

i ran out the back door and to the large tree. i ran to the backside to find the rungs still in the tree.

otto didn't tear down our treehouse, even after all these years.

i climbed up to the treehouse and rolled in. the door was new, and i noticed it even had a lock on it. i wasted no time in locking it.

not even a minute after i locked it, a series of very red-black knocks burst in front of me. i fell back from the shock of it.

"awsten, please, open the door!" otto yelled.

"are there windows?" geoff asked him. it reminded me why i came here in the first place, and for what.

"no, and of all things that make a treehouse!" otto exclaimed. "there's, like, airholes in the top, but not big enough to get in."

shaking, i drew back a sleeve of my hoodie. then i dug into my jeans pocket to find that single piece of blue-red-violet.

"awsten, what are you doin' in there?!" otto demanded.

without another thought, i brought the metal to the soft skin on the underside of my arm and drug it across. i hissed as the rust leaked out quicker than i've ever seen it done. the blue-violet-black gave way to blue-violet-red, and i finally felt able to breathe.

"babe, please open up!" geoff cried.

i made a few more marks on my skin before i tucked the metal away again. i tugged down my sleeve and stood up. my legs didn't feel like my own, but i had to deal with it.

i reluctantly opened the treehouse door. otto was the one who instantly wrapped his arms around me.

"awsten, you scared me..." he mumbled into my ear. i was stabbed with blue-violet-black again, and i knew that i didn't do enough to stop it.

i traced sorry into otto's back. he shook his head and held me at arm's length. "you don't need to be sorry, why don't you get it?"

i meekly shrugged and accidentally looked at geoff. he looked like he was crying.

i couldn't find it in me to care at the moment.

grumpy, i turned away from them both and crossed my arms. otto sighed and gently grabbed my shoulder to face him again.

"this won't happen again." he said to me. "in fact, right now i'm going to go help geoff flush and throw away everything."

"woah, what?" geoff said. "i didn't sign up-"

otto turned on his heel sharply to face geoff. "yeah, you did. you signed up to be awsten's boyfriend. he shouldn't have to see his boyfriend slowly fucking himself up."

i timidly went to pull otto back from geoff, but he easily got out of my hold. "hold on, awsten."

geoff fiddled with the frayed edges of his shirt. "o-okay. let's-let's go. does awsten need to-to stay here?"

"awsten, we'll be right back, okay?" otto asked me. he hugged me again. he stormed past geoff and started climbing down to the ground.

geoff went to look at me, but before we made eye contact i averted my gaze. he sighed and climbed down after otto.

i was a fool. he was right, was always right. i didn't know why i tried to deny that he was.

i pushed up both my sleeves to get ready to chase away the blue-violet-black again. a line of rust appeared for every thing he was right about.

i am nothing.

boys won't like me in that way, ever.

i am nothing like my mother.

boys will only use me for my body.

i deserved what he did to me last wednesday.

geoff didn't want to be mine.

i will never be as loved as my mother.

no one will love me like she did.

by the time i was done, i had each truth forever etched into my arm twice, four on each arm. i dropped the metal, letting it clatter to the wood and produce an olive green pop.

my breathing was shallow. i didn't have any tissues. i cursed myself for forgetting some. i couldn't stanch the rust because it would get on my favourite hoodie, and i was afraid that it would soak through. i started to tug my sleeves back down anyway when i heard a gasp.

"awsten?!"

i looked up in key-lime green to find geoff and otto in the treehouse doorway.