debauchery *gawsten* ✓

Chapter Nineteen

12.29.17
edit: 8.19.20
tw; mention of abuse, self-harm, and eating disorders.
952 words

awsten p.o.v.

otto went pale when he saw my arm that was still exposed. i hurried to pull my sleeve down.

geoff fell to his knees next to me. "awsten, what have you done?" i started to panic because key-lime splinters were puncturing my arms were i had cut them.

"aws, baby, give me your arms." geoff pleaded. i shook my head and hugged myself. i scooted away from him only for him to follow me.

"your dad hurts you, doesn't he?" otto asked. i froze. my head started pounding. i looked at him, breathing hard and trying to catch my breath. "awsten, just talk to us, please!" otto begged.

i was so distracted by the tears trailing down his cheeks that i didn't notice that i had let geoff pry my arms from myself. i started hyperventilating when he rolled up my sleeves. he tenderly traced one of the cuts with his finger, making me hiss.

"sorry, sorry..." he looked up at me with tears in his eyes. "we're here for you. don't you know that?" i shrugged, being completely honest.

"if you don't tell somebody, we will." otto threatened. i whined and tried to pull away from geoff. "awsten, you can't just keep this a secret forever-"

"hold on, otto." geoff said.

"i will not 'hold on!'" otto snapped. "awsten's my best friend! i don't wanna fucking lose him! i try my best to make sure he's-"

"otto!" geoff snapped again. he held me in his lap easily despite my attempts to get away. "awsten, love, calm down, we want to help you."

he grabbed one of my hands and and pressed it flat against his chest. he soothed me a bit until i could feel his heartbeat. i felt a honeyglow in my cheeks as i tried to breathe with him. when i was calm, he kissed my cheek. 

"now, love, can you do something for me? please?" i hesitated to nod. "i need you to take off your hoodie and shirt - no, shh, shh, listen to me." he added when i widened my eyes.

"we need to see what he's done to you." geoff continued. "can you show us? it's just us, and you've known otto your whole life."

otto came over to us to hug me too. "you're alright now, buddy." he said. "please don't cry, we're here."

i pull away from my best friend and wiped my eyes, determined to stop crying. i'm okay, i signed.

otto laughed lightly, but it was uneasy. i knew what he was going to say next.

he looked deep into my eyes, searching. "no, you're not. you're far from fine. tell us the truth."

i glared at him. if i'm not okay, then why do you fucking stay by my side if i'm such a freak?

my friends looked appalled. "awsten," otto said. "i stick by your side 'cause you're the only thing i've got."

i scoffed. okay, yeah. What about grace and geoff?

he chuckled uneasily. "yeah, I guess i've got grace. but then there's geoff, who is your boyfriend."

i saw tears lining his eyes, ready to fall. i sighed. otto, i didn't-

"no, of course you didn't mean it." he said quietly. "but you should pay attention to what i mean. you're my best friend. i can't really stay away from you."

"what brought this up?" geoff asked quietly.

i gestured to the cuts on my arms. every two is a truth that he's ever told me.

"who..." otto began to ask, but stopped. "you mean your dad? awsten, what happens at home?"

i bit my lip; i said too much. apparently neither of them were going to drop it because geoff asked softly, "awsten, can you please take off your shirt and hoodie?"

i didn't take my eyes off of his blue as i rolled up my shirt and hoodie. the clothing went over my head and i locked eye contact with him again.

otto turned away from my body. i hugged him and cried into his shoulder, tracing sorry over and over again into his back.

"it-it's not your fault..." otto mumbled. "you-you don't deserve any of this...god, how could i be so blind? that-that's why you hardly even eat..."

otto...it's not your fault, i signed when i broke the hug.

he sniffed and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. "n-no...i know that. i still feel bad for not noticin'..." he wiped under my eyes with his thumb.

"how long have you been...?" geoff trailed off. i don't know, i answered honestly. since mum died, i guess. that was seven years ago...

"i wish you would have told me sooner." otto sighed, rubbing between his eyes.

that comment made me cry even more. i'm sorry, i didn't mean to... i signed. i bit the inside of my cheek to keep myself from crying harder.

geoff must have noticed because he tapped my face. "awsten, stop biting down. that's not good fo-" he was interrupted by my explosion of emotions.

i nestled my face into geoff's chest and wrapped my arms around him. he moved us so that i was still in his lap, but he was more cradling me than i was straddling him.

geoff shushed me and rubbed my back. it still hurt, but i didn't want to tell them anything else.

"i really wouldn't mind...a twenty hour drive..." geoff sang softly. i looked at him questioningly. "it's a song i wrote," he explained sheepishly. "for-for you. i-i thought it could help you sleep a bit better..."

i smiled and traced go on into his chest. he smiled back and continued singing me to sleep with a melody of yellow-lilac that he wrote.