The Humanity Formula

Friends, Failure, and Fear

There's a moment when you realize the person you thought you knew the best, you never really knew at all.

It was my fault for thinking Hanbin didn't exist before we met. I never thought about it. It never crossed my mind that he had others friends before me, that there was a part of him I didn't know.

How did I never realize that when I hid my feelings and kept everything inside, Hanbin was next to me, doing the same?

If I had been less preoccupied with my own pain, maybe I would have seen his.

...

There was a piano in our living room when I was younger. My grandmother would play while Chaerin and I would dance. We were both in ballet but Chaerin was better at it than I was. That didn't matter to me back then, I was seven years old and all that mattered was that it was fun.

I sat in the university's theatre and watched the stage, shadows of a dream that never seemed realistic. The girls on the stage were faceless blurs, twirling figures that didn't even seem human. I clutched the hem of my skirt, not realizing I was doing it at first. My knuckles turned white.

I relaxed my grip and wonder why I felt like I was going to cry.

I was nine when I was told I didn't have a ballerina's body. I was too clumsy and awkward. I couldn't express emotion.

I was ten when my mother died and we moved to live with my father in Germany. I never danced again.

I turned my attention to the unlit pit of the stage. If I hadn't known to look I wouldn't have seen him, his face obscured from my view. I could faintly see the way his hair cropped into his neck, the white collar laid against his tan skin. I tried to focus on him, the stage speakers drowning the amphitheatre in his music.

I couldn't inhale without breathing him in.

At the final bow I watched as those nameless and faceless dolls bowed to the audience, then brought out their choreography with a round of applause. I bit my lips as I watched Chaerin bring up the pianist to the stage and lost my nerve. I watched the way Chaerin put her arm around Piano Boy and realized I didn't want to be part of that world.

I was sure they were close from working together, that didn't bother me. Their smiles, the way they laughed like they weren't on display for the audience to see. It was private and closed off. Chaerin told me once that our lives were going in separate directions. If we were to walk together, one of us would would only end up getting lost.

I stood up from my seat before the curtain had a chance to close. Hanbin, too, had stood quickly, his expression impossible to read. I didn't want to stay any longer, I didn't want to see the Piano Boy and I didn't want to see my sister.

"I'm sorry for bringing you somewhere weird and boring." I apologized to Hanbin as we walked out of the theatre and into the lobby. The bright light hurt my eyes and I squinted to adjust to the change. A voice called out my name and we both paused. I turned, seeing a girl wave me over from the other side of the lobby.

We were schoolmates in middle school. Kim Jisoo was a year older and went to a performance high school. We were friends but we fought all the time. We were too different to be friends but too young to know that. I didn't know why Jisoo would want to see me, we hadn't spoken in years.

Next to her stood the pretty girl I'd noticed at the music department and behind them was the Piano Boy. I gulped.

"Hanbin!" The pretty girl said in surprise as we got closer. I turned to him in confusion. "Bobby said you went here but I thought it was strange I never saw you around campus."