The Humanity Formula

Betrayal, Beer, and Bobby

"Do you want to hear a story?" Jisoo asks over her fat free latte. Her hair shimmers in the thin light cast into the cafe from the window. No matter how I look at her she's somehow at the perfect angle.

I spoon some whipped cream from my hot chocolate into my mouth with my finger.

"Not really." I tell her, trying to mimic her excited face as I wipe my hands on my pants.

"You're not curious about those two?" Jisoo asks again, visibly disappointed in my reaction.

"Those two?" I feign ignorance.

Of course I'm curious.

It's killing me, I'm so curious.

I wanted to ask Hanbin a hundred times but it was obvious he didn't want to talk about it. After I saw the way he looked that night I knew it would only hurt him. There were things like that, too, that hurt me too much to relive.

Some things were just meant to fester inside of us.

Wounds that shouldn't ever be shared with others.

"No." I tell her with a little smile. "Hanbin doesn't want to talk about it so I'll respect his opinion."

"But you're still curious, though, right?" She bats her eyes, lowering her voice as if she knows she's doing something she shouldn't and is worried she'll be overheard. I know it's just a show. She doesn't care who hears. I can see it in her eyes, a familiar emotion, that this is when she's at her happiest. "Hanbin was supposed to come to our high school, you know. He wanted to be a dancer."

I laugh despite myself, my eyes rolling in the back of my head.

"My Hanbin?" I ask in disbelief. "Say something believable if you're going to talk about people, Kim Jisoo. His parents wouldn't let that happen, anyway."

"They didn't." Jisoo smiles and I swallow. I caught her bait and now she has me by her hook. "Those two, they had a fight because Hanbin ruined their audition to an entertainment company. He went to another school without telling anyone and disappeared. Bobby's been trying to keep in touch even though he was hurt and, well, you know the rest. It's amazing, boys are just as petty as girls, right?"

"That's enough." I sigh, an uncomfortable ache in my chest. I stand up, slinging my bag over my shoulder. I shoot her, what I hope is, a sharp look. "I'll be going first, then. Don't spread that story around unnecessarily when it has nothing to do with you."

...

I try not to think about my conversation with Jisoo but it's still there, always present in the back of my head, every time I see Hanbin. I find myself scrutinizing him more than usual. I can't take him at face value anymore, always wondering if there's something I'm missing.

I watch him as he clutches onto a cup of coffee, his hood pulled up over his hat and tied by its strings around his neck into a little bow. His cheeks are pink and hands are blue. It's been a harsh winter day and we've barely slept. Maybe now that the winter session was over we could finally rest.

He glances up and catches me staring, his brows furrowing in confusion before settling back into his usual blank faced calm.

"Professor Choi is coming back for the new year holiday." Hanbin tells me as if he'd just remembered. "You're spending that week with us, right?"

"It's almost that time, huh?" I sigh, flexing my icy fingers inside my jacket. We'd run away from the cold and barricaded ourselves in a cafe but it was hard to get warm with the doors opening and closing. Spring semester would be starting soon but it was hard to think of spring when winter raged outside, chilly and bleak. I shrug. "I might as well, will the whole family be there?"