The Humanity Formula

Plans, Planes, and Possibilities

Rays of light, weakened by the burgeoning dusk, pass through the dusty blinds and onto my palms. I squeeze them shut, holding the sun in between my fingers before it disappears over the horizon. A wave of mourning crashes against my chest, fingernails digging into flesh.

I take in a deep breath, sucking in the stale office air. I catch myself like that these days. Forgetting to breath, losing sense of my autonomic nervous system as it all falls apart around me.

A thud brings me back to attention, a backpack slammed on the desk in front of me. I wince, the plastic hardware stinging at my clenched fists where skin stretches taut and thin against bone.

I look up to the man looming above me: Bobby, tall as a mountain and buzzing with a rage barely contained.

"Don't do this here, we're in an office." I tell him calmly, unclenching my fists to reveal angry red crescents on my palm.

"I want to see you outside, then."

I laugh, short and humorless.

"What are you gonna do? Beat me up?"

"I... I didn't think you could be like this, Hayi." His shadow recedes from the desk. "Don't you know how much you hurt Hanbin?"

Of course I fucking know.

. . .

I felt the emptiness where he had occupied. He stood, eclipsing the sun so that his face was only a pained shadow.

"Don't do this." He warned, begged me. "Not because of my mom."

"It's not just her, it's me." I choked out, but my eyes were dry. "I don't think I can do it."

"I love you." He urged again. Then, he slowly became quiet. His arms falling loosely from their sockets. "You know, you've never told me you loved me. You never have, have you?"

"I don't." The words felt like battery acid as they left my mouth. "I never wanted to lie... Loving you would too selfish, I couldn't do it."

He looked at me in disbelief, laughing like a madman, before crouching for his bag and slinging it over his shoulder.

"Fine. I'll see you around, then. Friend."

. . .

"Hayi, here are the papers for the study abroad trip. You're all good to go." Nam says, walking out into the office. He looks in shock at Bobby, an uncomfortable smile curling at his lips.

"You're kidding." Bobby laughs, looking between me and Nam. "You're just... running away?"

"Yes." I answer resolutely, taking the papers from Nam and signing at the bottom with an angry flick of my pen. "I'm running away so Hanbin doesn't have to look at me anymore."

...

It took a few pulls to unzip my suitcase, the metal rusted in places, the piece of luggage long forgotten in a corner of my closet. It felt strange to pack everything up. The last time I'd left the country was when we moved to Germany over ten years ago. My room hadn't changed, not really.

I sat at my vanity, remembering when my feet barely touched the ground when I sat down. I picked up a picture, wiping at the dust on its surface. My high school graduation. I was already living with Jimin then, my dad had started his sabbatical and was at a conference in Vienna. Chaerin was able to make it but had to leave early.