The Humanity Formula

Healing, Handholding, and Hanbin

Most people don't like change. I'm guilty of that, too. The mere exposure effect explains why people tend to prefer things just because they're familiar with them. Repeated exposure to a stimulus leads to a more positive association with that stimulus. Basically, the more we're around something (or someone), the more likely we are to like it.

But change is necessary.

I was someone who had never held a job or worked for my own money. My parents always took care of my tuition, gave me money when I needed it. When she grew up Chaerin started to hide money in my wallet like I'd never notice. I was someone like that but when I had too much time on my hands, Professor Choi recommended me to a position at a daycare. I thought I didn't like kids, and yet I found myself mystified by their honesty and selfishness.

I went to Dr. Park even though I hadn't seen a therapist since I was still a kid. We worked together, changed my treatment plan, talked about where I want to be. I had gotten used to self-treating but that didn't mean that it was doing me any good. I thought I could handle it because I'd read some textbooks and taken some classes.

I was someone who could never rest, never really relax. I was always on edge. Other than work and therapy, I had a lot of time on my hands. Chaerin invited me to tag along with her, something neither of us would have done before. I tried new things and didn't totally hate it.

But you can't completely break the familiarity principle.

Professor Lee went back to teaching at the university. I take the long route to class so I can walk by the music building. Jimin works with Jackson and then uses the allowance her parents' give her to buy expensive meat.

Kim Hanbin still smiles at me.

...

"Have your classmates figured out you have all the exam answers?" Hanbin walks in front of me but keeps turning back to make sure I'm following behind.

"Not yet." I breathe out like a prayer. "Though I'm not exactly advertising it either."

"You're not? I would."

"No, you wouldn't." I roll my eyes, stopping when I find the book I've been looking for. The Magic Years by Selma Fraiberg. It's my second time taking Developmental Psychology but since my job at the daycare I've found a new passion.

I startle as I feel hands on the side of the head, relaxing as I feel earbuds pushing gently into my ear.

I hear a soft melody, quietly familiar like a dream. A song I've heard before but not for a long time, maybe in a movie or something my dad played.

"This is a present for you." Hanbin tells me, his smiling face visible as he walks back around me. "I made a playlist of every song I heard that reminded me of you."

He watches my face carefully as I go back to my book, flipping pages absently as I listen to the songs that play in my ears. I can't pretend to read anymore and look at him, his arm placed over my head on the shelf. We're hidden in a row of bookshelves, with no one around. I listen to his confession, the words he'd carefully picked to replace his own. The songs that whisper the words he wanted to but couldn't write.

Sadness, anger, happiness, love.

"Well, what do you think?"

I stand up on my toes, linking my arm around his neck to bring him down. I hesitate for a moment, letting my breath mix with his. He rests his forehead against my mine but otherwise doesn't move. He waits for me. I look into his eyes, so close I can see my own reflection staring back.