The Humanity Formula

Sugar, Smiles, and Sisters

When I go to the cafeteria I often forget to grab utensils and napkins, but Hanbin always brings extras and sets it down neatly on the table without a word. If I break my pencil on the day of a test, Hanbin hands me one before I need to ask. If I get a paper cut while flipping through the pages and pages of notes, Hanbin reaches into his bag and grabs a bandaid. He remembers my mother's memorial and sends me the lecture notes.

When I need to, he silently lets me cry and scream and vent.

That's the kind of person Hanbin is.

...

"Have a good night." Bobby tells me with a little smile, taking off my purse and gently placing it over my shoulder. He glances at Hanbin and there's a weight to the silence as Hanbin gives a slight nod. Bobby laughs without humor and waves before making his way back down the street.

Hanbin clears his throat as I watch Bobby get smaller and smaller until moving from out of sight.

"You didn't answer your phone." Hanbin says simply as he looks me over as if to inspect for any damage.

"Ah." I lift up my purse, taking out my phone. Eight missed calls. Five unread messages. I look up at him, feeling guilty. And confused. "Sorry, it was in my bag... Why did you call?"

"You called me!" He says more loudly than I think he intended, raking his hands through his hair out of frustration. "You told me asking me to come get you and then you hung up... Your roommate finally texted me asking to make sure you got home alright. What was I supposed to think?"

I close my mouth, not realizing it had been gaping open. I didn't remember calling him. Had I?

"Hanbin, I'm sorry."

"It's fine now." He brushes it off, grabbing onto my arm quickly as I stumble.

"Do you want coffee?" I ask quietly, not sure what else to say. I wonder how long he had been standing out here. He holds onto my hand as we walk up the stairs to my apartment, his fingers feeling like icicles.

This is the kind of person Hanbin is.

Always helping others, always letting them hurt him with a smile on his face.

I silently brew a pot of coffee as Hanbin sits down at a small table in the kitchen. He's been to my apartment more than once, but tonight feels uneasy and strange. He feels more like a guest than a friend. I pour coffee into a mug with cream and sugar and set it in front of him.

He nods in thanks before taking a sip. He cringes and licks his lips, before setting the mug back down.

"Is it too sweet?" I ask in apology, sipping my own black coffee. "Sorry, you know I'm bad at making coffee."

He sighs and takes another sip without answering me. We sit in silence for what feels like an eternity. I look anywhere but at him.

Right. We'll ignore this, too.

"Hayi." He says suddenly, wetting his lips as he pauses again. "Just because I don't ask doesn't mean I don't want to know."

"What?" I blurt out, surprised and irritated. "What about me, Hanbin? I want to know, too! Why do I just have to watch you get hurt without knowing why?"

He rubs his temple with his hand, eyebrows knit together as he stares down at the table.

"I'm sorry." He says finally but it feels like he's just trying to stop us from fighting rather than meaning it. "It's just hard for me to talk about it. I didn't mean to keep anything from you. Did Bobby tell you?"