Never Ending Battle

Chapter 2

Finishing dinner I put the food on warm, then cleaned up the dishes then proceeded to clean the rest of the house. I was in the middle of changing into my lingerie when I heard the front door open, so I rushed to finish and put on my robe. Walking out of the room I saw my husband looking into all of the pots smelling his dinner.
"Hey baby..."
Turning around smiling he looked me up and down and started walking towards me. He engulfed me, lifting me up he groaned, kissed my neck and whispered "damn baby I missed you so much....so fucking much." He put me down and grabbed my face with both hands, looking deep into my eyes.
"I never want to lose you Sophia; you are the love of my life. I couldn't bear it if I lost you, I can barely take being away from you months at a time." Watching his eyes I saw the truth in his words.
And I knew I shouldn't have kept my secret, I knew I should've told him when I found out but he was deployed. I didn't want him worrying about me when he was literally shooting for his life.
"I know and I never want to lose you either John, we have each other now and forever.  I am yours always." I tightened my grip around his neck as we kissed passionately but I knew we both had to eat, and I had to tell him what I've been keeping from him for so long.
I let go and walked towards the kitchen pulling him along with me to fix our plates. "John there's something we have to talk about and I want you to listen to me. I don't want you to be angry with me, even though him sure you will be, but please just hear me out" he looked scared and worried for a second but covered it up.
He always masked his emotions when we had serious talks, like he always expected the worse and was trying to be a man about it. Even though in this scenario, he has every right to be pissed with me. I just hope he doesn't hate me...
​(John's POV)
I watched as she kept her head down and played with her fingertips, something she did excessively when she was upset or nervous. She seemed both but I couldn't tell which was dominant. This girl has been the love of my life for years; we had a trusting and loving relationship.
But for a while now she's just been so... distant.
Emotionally she's here, for the most part, and physically she's here. But mentally she's been adrift; I can see it in her eyes when she pretends to be reading, or when she checks her phone sometimes.
She just gets this look; this vacant look in her eyes makes her seem emotionally dead. But when she looks at me the twinkle in her eyes build, you'd think it was something out of a cartoon.
Her eyes sometimes go from lifeless and dull and slowly the light turns back on and her eyes are sparkling. It's scary looking at her sometimes when her eyes are in that dull state. She looks like a different person.
But right now there is no trace of that lifeless and dull person. Right now she looks like the girl I met years ago, shy and nervous. She looks back to her old self, but what happened?
What happened that made her so distant? Was she cheating? Did she have a thing with someone else and it didn't work out? Was she pregnant?
And just the thought of her pregnant made me grin, I couldn't wait until the day she was carrying my child.
Seeing my Sophs, short and pregnant; my sexy little wife pregnant. I was so excited to get the ball rolling, but she hasn't gotten pregnant yet. I know it takes time but we've been together for four years, when we got married we stopped using protection.
Is that what she's trying to tell me? That she can't have children? She's infertile? Would she need to take something to help her fall pregnant? Or is it me?
Am I the problem? What if I'm shooting blanks? Would she not want to be with me if I couldn't impregnate her? Is that what she's trying to tell me?
That she wants to see other people because I haven't given her children yet. Maybe that's what she wants to talk about. Or did she not want children anymore. Abortion maybe?
"John... I...I...I don't know how to tell you this" shaking her head she grabbed her hair, pulled on it and groaned loudly. Reaching across the table I grabbed her hands, and when she looked at me I could see the pain in her eyes.
I could see the inner battle she was having with herself. Rubbing my thumbs over her knuckles I tried to soothe her, and plead with my eyes for her to just tell me what she was thinking before I lost my mind.
"Sophs, I love you... You can tell me anything, you know that right? It can't be as bad as what I'm thinking." Tears started to form in her eyes, but I had to make her say the words. What I was thinking couldn't be true; she would never hurt me like that. Would she?
"Sophs please just-"
"I found out I had cancer two years ago" as a stray tear ran down her cheek, the only thing I could do was watch as it touched the corners of her mouth and proceeded down her chin and fell on the cherry wood table. I was certain my wife did not just tell me what I think she just did.
There was no way something so scary happened to my selfless and beautiful wife. There was no way she would keep something like this from me. This must be some sick joke. But as I looked her in the eyes I saw no hint of lying.
"Sophs please tell me you're joking" I watched as she got up from the table, and come around to where I was sitting. Her tears continued to fall as she stepped closer to me and sat on my lap.
"John...please..."
I slammed my hands down on the table and jerked to feet trying to put a little distance between us, so I could think clearly.
​​(Sophia's POV)
John got up so quickly, I stumbled onto the floor. He paced the kitchen floor, lost in thought. I knew he wasn't going to take this lightly, just please don't hate me. "John I-""How could you not tell me Sophs?" I put my head down; I couldn't see that look of pain in his eyes. I felt so ashamed and I knew I'd regret not telling him. "It wasn't a good time and I didn't want you worrying while you were on duty. You were always in the field you could've gotten shot thinking about-" 
"Bullshit!! Sophia don't you think I would have been more worried had I been on duty and someone found you passed out somewhere? Don't you think that It would have been far worse had you died? What the fuck Sophia? How could you keep this from me...? What were you thinking?" he stopped his rant and just stared at me.
I could tell he was trying to calm himself down, and I knew I was still crying. We never argued, he's never yelled or cursed at me before. Not angrily anyway.  "Do your parents know?"
Shaking my head I mumbled no. "No one knew, only the doctors I went to. But I wore a wig and contacts when I went-"
"So you deliberately kept this from everyone, you even went as far as wearing a disguise to-"
"No I only wore because I wanted to get answers and find the right doctor who would be able to treat it. I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I Have stage 4 brain cancer. I didn't know how to tell you until I could fully process it."
Shock was written clearly across his face. "Stage 4...brain cancer..." he said it so softly I barely heard him. I didn't mean to say it so bluntly but he had to know the truth, I couldn't hide this anymore. I didn't want to hide this, but I also didn't want him to look at me differently either.
"Sophs..." he whispered my name as if he was scared to say it. I could see the fear he had for me in his eyes. He walked up to me and picked me up and carried me to our room. He didn't say a word as he sat me on the bed and went into our en suite.
I heard the water cut on and some shuffling, and after a few minutes I heard the water cut off. He came back into the room and crouched in front of me, looking me straight into my eyes.
"So what did your doctor say? When and where did you get treatment?" he seemed to be processing this better than I did, now it just seemed like he wanted answers. He pulled me up and lifted my top over my head, all in one movement.
"I went to a few doctors here but the one that treated me was where my parents lived. He was the only one that told me I would live, the only one that gave me hope. I found him a year ago." As I told him this he took my bottoms off and lead me in the bathroom.
"Honestly Sophs..." he sighed "I just don't understand. I would never have kept this from you. I want to yell at you, but I see how much you regret it. I understand how you thought I would get distracted at work. And honestly I probably would have. But I could've asked for time off or to not be in the fields. Do you see how I mean? We could've worked through this together Sophia. It's my job to protect you, and be there for you til death do us part"
His pain was clear in his words, and as he washed me in this bubble bath I felt worse than when I found out about the cancer. "I'm so sorry John, I should've told you" I found out years ago I've had time to process it, but he is only just finding out about the cancer.
He's finding out that I went through it alone, and that he didn't protect me. But at the time the way I was thinking was that he couldn't protect me from this. This was an internal fight, it was different. He kissed my forehead and stood up.
I watched him walk towards the bathroom door where he stopped. Turning back he looked at me for a moment before he said "Sophs you are everything my heart desires, I couldn't bare to be in a world where you no longer exist".
Without another word he left me to my bubble bath. Feeling even more guilt I sunk into the bath, letting the weight of the guilt and regret engulf me.