W T F

Starbucks

I flipped my blonde hair over my shoulder and swayed my hips as I made my way to the door. 

Whipping a small mirror from my Gucci purse, I smirked at my reflection. "Beautiful as ever, Sophie." Then my eyes widened with sudden realization. "OMG, I am so ugly and stupid- I can't believe I forgot!" After shoving my hand back into my purse, I came upon my peach lip gloss and let out a breath of relief before swiping it across my lips. "Perfect."

As I swung the door to Starbucks open, the heavy aroma of coffee invaded my senses. I strutted to the end of the line, checking out this sexy guy's amazing ass. It was, like, drool worthy. Almost as if he knew I was checking his hot bod out, he slowly turned around. I batted my eyes, wincing when a fake eyelash fell off. Keep on batting your eyes, Sophie! You have to find a way to attract him! 

And then the moment I'd been waiting for...  he turned completely.

My mouth dropped open. You've got to be shitting me. The guy I'd lost a fake eyelash for? He was actually a she. And by the looks of it, she was 80 years old or more. I completely screwed up this time. She turned back around and asked for a croissant.

I was up next. Please let the cashier be a sexy guy- nope, it was a girl about my age. Diarrhea! 

With a loud sigh, I said, "I'll have a caramel macchia- " My eyes widened, and I stepped back in disgust as she interrupted me with a fart. 

A girl behind me in line hissed in my ear. "ERMAGAWD! I can't believe she had the nerve to just- do, you know- that."

I nodded in total agreement. "I know right! I mean, that was just pathetic."

She gave an enthusiastic nod as we continued being total jerks to the mortified cashier. "Such a loser."

"What a disappointment. I mean, that wasn't even that loud, and I can't even smell it! Hell, that only lasted for about a second, too." I shook my head. "Like, If you're going to do something, do it right!"

The girl behind me who'd been trash talking with me gaped. "Excuse me?"

But I was on a roll.[*holds up cinnamon roll*] "Now this is how you do it!" 

Then, to everyone's disgust and horror, I unleashed the most majestic fart ever to be known. 

After releasing the chemical gasses, I glanced up at the clock and highfived myself. "WOOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S MY RECORD Y'ALL! A 2 MINUTE FART THAT MADE EVERYONE HERE FAINT!" Sure enough, everyone had slumped over, unconscious.

"Wait a second... oh shit... literally. That was a shart."

Shit I need to get my act together... I keep on updating late... ok well from now no there's no more updating schedule... sorry guys(or anyone who actually bothered with this crappy book lol). My updates might be spontaneous or on the original updating schedule even though I've just canceled that... I don't know, my brain works in a weird way. Probably because it's non existent.