A New Year's Kiss (BoyxBoy)

17. Like You Care

Jay

1st May 2016

The day of my mother's funeral. I wished it wasn't the 1st May. I wished her funeral could have been another date. The first of May was always a happy date. 'May Day', bank holiday weekend.

Now, it would always be the date of my mother's funeral.

I was dressed in black jeans and a black shirt. I know that nowadays some people like to dress in colour to a funeral to celebrate life instead of death, but what did I have to celebrate? I was no more likely to celebrate her in life as I was in death. Quite frankly, I just wanted to get this over with.

I arrived 30 minutes early. Partly because I wanted to make sure I wasn't late, but mostly because I couldn't sit in my flat looking at the clock for any longer.

The service was being held at a small crematorium on the edge of town. It was a beautiful place and surrounded by well manicured lawns and flower beds. Even the graves were beautiful, many of them covered in colourful flowers or those little kids windmills that were blowing round in the light breeze.

I felt oddly out of place dressed in somber black when there was so much colour around me.

I walked up the long path heading towards the small chapel where the service would take place.

I wasn't expecting much of a turn out as my mum had been a bit of a recluse during the last few years of her life but as I approached the chapel I could see a few people hovering outside.

The first familiar faces I spotted were Mr & Mrs Finley. A wave of guilt washed over me as I realised I hadn't spoken to either of them since my mum died, and I had just not shown up at the garage.

They wandered over to me and I was relieved to see kindness in their eyes. "I'm so sorry Jay" Mrs Finley said, pulling me in for a hug.

"And I'm sorry too" I said to Mr Finley, "I should have called to explain why I didn't turn up."

He quickly waved off my apology, "Don't be silly son, it's totally understandable. You take as much time off as you need."

I felt a lump in my throat as I recognised these as the first kind words since my mum had died. It was odd that it felt more natural for Mr Finley to call me "son" than my dad. I managed to mutter out a "thanks" before I was called away by my dad, to tell me what would be happening during the short service.

I listened intermittently while scanning round for anyone else I knew. Mainly Alex. I still hadn't seen him since my mum died. I eventually got back to him after my dad had left to let him know when the funeral was. He never came to see me or even called. It just showed how broken our friendship had become.

As my dad was telling me what hymns he'd chosen, I saw him. Before I realised it, my face had broken out into a smile at the sight of him. He was wearing a grey full suit with a black shirt and silver tie. The sight of him wanted to make me both laugh and cry. Laugh because I had never seen him in a suit, and he looked kinda hot, but cry, because he'd made such an effort.

I suddenly realised my dad had stopped talking and was following my eyeline to see what or who I was looking at.

I quickly excused myself, and started heading over to Alex. As I got closer, I realised he was talking to someone that was hidden from my view. Suddenly, the someone stepped out, just as Alex saw me walking over.

I stopped in my tracks as I saw who'd come with Alex. It was Kyle.

Before I could react any further, Alex looked my way and our eyes locked. He lifted his hand in a sort of wave, but he didn't make any move to come over to me. I saw Kyle whisper something into his ear and then he started walking towards me.

I could feel my breathing deepen as he got closer and unconsciously my jaw clenched and my hands balled up into fists.

By the time Alex reached me he was looking anxious, as if he was worried what I might do or say.

"Hi Jay" he said, "how are you doing?"

I let out a little snort of sarcastic laughter. "Like you care." I spat back at him.

Alex's eyes widened momentarily and then he frowned, "Of course I care! Why would you think I didn't?"

"Maybe because this is the first time you've spoken to me since my mum died?" I said, my voice dripping with resentment. "I know you're busy with college and Carl over there", yes I got his name wrong intentionally. It was petty, I know, but it also felt good, "but would it have hurt you to at least have called me?"

A wave of guilt passed over Alex's face. "I'm sorry, I was going to come and see you, but Kyle said you would probably want to be left alone for a bit. I wanted to ring you, I really did," he added with a hint of desperation in his voice.

I shook my head, not quite believing what I was hearing. "And what makes Carl the expert in how I'm feeling?"

Alex bit his lip briefly before saying, "well he lost his mum a couple of years ago, so he told me what he felt at the time, and that you would be going through the same."

I laughed again, closing my eyes for a few seconds before fixing my gaze back on Alex.

"Really Alex?" I said, my anger starting to bubble up. "And are you going to tell me now that Carl's mum was also an alcoholic, and that he basically looked after her and everything in the house since he was 12, and that he would find her passed out unconscious and have to lie next to her all night to make sure she didn't choke on her own vomit, and that one day he didn't do that, and that he fell asleep instead and woke up to find his mum dead on the living room floor? Are you going to tell me that he knew all that, and that's why he knew I wanted to be left alone?"

Alex stared at me with his mouth slightly ajar. He looked like he was going to say something, but nothing came out.

After my rant my anger had subsided a little, but I still hadn't finished with him yet. "So tell me Alex, what did you think I would want? You, my best friend, the guy who knows everything about me. Did you think I would want to be left alone?"

Alex's eyes started to glisten and he finally broke eye contact with me and looked down at the grass beneath our feet.

"No I didn't" he mumbled.

"I thought not." I said, then turned and started walking back to my dad.

"I'm sorry Jay" Alex shouted after me.

I just carried on walking.

A/N. Poor Jay!  Don't worry, things will start to get better.......eventually....  

What do you think of Alex and Kyle's relationship?