A New Year's Kiss (BoyxBoy)

29. I'd Already Lost You

Jay

I barely slept a wink that night. I went over every possible scenario in my head. I knew the likely outcome of this visit, but I wasn't going to down without a fight.

That morning I popped to the shops to pick up a few things for my visit.

I bought him a get well card with lego batman on (one of his favourite movies), some more stickers to go in the sticker album I had been doing with him, some peanut M&Ms (his favourite sweet) and a CD I thought he might like.

I popped them in a carrier bag and headed off to the hospital.

My heart was racing by the time I got there, and I hadn't even run this time! I stopped to take some deep breaths before I walked in.

On the way up to the ward he was now on, my mind was racing. I knew he probably wouldn't be all that thrilled to see me, but what would he say? Would he shout and scream at me, or would he ignore me? Maybe he would just tell me to leave and I wouldn't even get chance to speak to him at all.

I walked into the ward and was greeted by a nurse who obviously recognised me from my previous visits.

"Hi Jay, I've just finished with him, so you can go on in."

"Thanks" I replied, finding it weird that she had no idea how nervous I was.

I reached the door and peered in through the glass.

I could see Alex sat up in bed, watching the small TV that had been wheeled in from somewhere since I was last here.

He looked a lot better but he had a scowl on his face, and his eyes looked sunken and dark, probably like my own, through lack of sleep.

I took a final deep breath before pushing the door open.

Alex didn't look away from the TV until I was stood next to his bed.

His head swung round and he almost jumped with the surprise of seeing me there. Then his face turned back into a scowl.

"What are you doing here Jay?"

Despite his tone, just the sound of him saying my name made my heart skip with joy.

"And nice to see you too Alex," I said, deciding that I would try and be as normal as possible.

His scowl deepened.

"Did my mum ask you to come?" He had turned his eyes back to the television. He reminded me of a moody 13 year old.

"Why would she ask me to come? I ran over her son, you know."

I was almost sure I saw the corner of his mouth twitch, but he didn't break his stare on the TV.

"Exactly" he said, "maybe she's hoping I'll go all psycho on you and put you in here too."

I paused momentarily before I said, "that would be good, because I'd have you for company."

His head swung round as I said that, probably because he was expecting another sarcastic reply, whereas this was said with genuine feeling.

He stared at me for a few seconds, and I held his gaze, before he turned back to the TV.

After another moment of silence where I was trying to think of something to say, he sighed.

"Look Jay, we both know that you are the reason I'm in this shit hole, but I'm not going to sit here and yell at you. There's no point. It won't change anything."

"It might make you feel better?" I suggested with a hopeful smile on my face.

"No it won't," he said rather abruptly.

"How can you know that if you won't try?" I asked, flicking his arm gently.

"I just know alright!!" he snapped, starting to show his frustration.

"How can you possibly know!!?" I shouted back, matching his tone.

"GOD JAY YOU'RE SO ANNOYING!!"

Unfortunately I broke at that point and smiled at the fact I had managed to get him to shout at me.

"You're so easy to wind up," I laughed.

This wound him up even more.

"SERIOUSLY!! You're actually pleased that you made me yell? Well I've got news for you Jay. I'm yelling a lot these days. It's basically how I communicate."

"I'm sorry" I said, taking the smile off my face.

That just seemed to poke the bear even more.

"What are you sorry for Jay? Are you sorry that you made me yell, or are you sorry that you ran me over? Or maybe you're sorry that I currently only have 30% movement in my right arm and I have to go through excruciating physiotherapy every day? Or maybe you're sorry that tomorrow I have to go through tests to see if I have any permanent brain damage? Come on Jay, which is it?"

I just stared at him for a few seconds before quietly mumbling, "all of them?"

What was wrong with me!?! It was like I didn't have any kind of filter. It was like my body would no longer acknowledge how serious this was, and had put up its defences.

Alex crossed his arms and glared back at the TV.

"Come on Alex" I said. "I got you presents...." I said holding up the bag I was carrying.

"Unless it's a gun, I'm not interested," he said, not even bothering to look.

I chuckled slightly but stopped when his scowl deepened.

"Come on, I'm really trying here. Look I've got you a CD to listen to," I said, pulling it out of the carrier bag.

Alex sighed loudly then turned to me and said, "look Jay, I'm going to make this really easy for you. I forgive you. See, I've said it. I FORGIVE YOU" he repeated slowly.

I opened my mouth to say something but Alex carried on, "I don't really care anymore Jay. And that's the truth. I might have cared once, but not anymore. I know you're here because you feel guilty, but don't. What's done is done, what happened, happened. Nothing is going to change that. Just like nothing will change the fact that we aren't friends anymore."

My face must have reacted to that last part as he quickly added, "What? Don't pretend everything was fine before this happened. We'd stopped being friends a long time ago. We both stopped caring about each other, so don't pretend it's any different. Now if it's ok with you, please can you go because some of my real friends are about to arrive."

I felt like I'd had the wind knocked out of me. I was expecting him to blame me for what had happened, but I didn't expect that.

I suddenly let out a sharp puff of air that sounded like a small laugh. I put the CD down on the bed and put the carrier bag next to his bedside table then I headed to the door. Just as I got to the door, I turned back to Alex and said,

"All this time, I've been so scared that I would lose you because of what I did. Funny thing is, it never occurred to me that I'd already lost you before it happened. I know you don't want to hear it, but I am sorry, really sorry, and not just for this," I said gesturing to Alex and the hospital, "I'm sorry for everything. But I won't bother you again."

And then I walked out of the room and out of Alex's life.

At that moment I'd made up my mind. I was going to Scotland.

A/N. We're going to take a short break from Jay while we get to learn a little bit more about Alex. I really like the next few chapters so I hope you do too!