Flame of the Last Rose (completed)

Inner demons

*Trigger warning this part involves self-harm*

I didn't sleep. Pain was piercing through my jaw. Thoughts swelling my brain. Questioning everything I thought I knew. Yeah I had LGBTQ friends but I would never consider me a part of that, and now I am thinking I like Lindsey. Do I? Maybe it was just because we opened up to each other and we bonded over something so deep so depressing, I thought. I have never met someone that when I told them that I have cut or thought about suicide they didn't say to stop. It's hard to stop. For some of us that's the only thing we have control over. The only thing we find sanity in.

I put in my earbuds and drown out my thoughts with the lyrics of my favorite songs. When I jolt awake in bed realizing I haven't done my daily calorie log for the day.

11/5/17

1 kit kat bar 42 calories

I was told not to exercise so i guess i should eat less to avoid gaining weight. Maybe I should exercise a little I mean it can't do much can it? I put my log away and put my earbuds back in and fall asleep.

I wake up to my alarm going off. I roll over turn it off and go back to sleep remembering I don't have to go school. A few hours later I'm woken by loud and annoying birds outside my window. I grab my phone the time says 12:00. I should get up and get ready for Lindsey I roll out of bed, with my jaw feeling a hundred pounds and walk over to my closet and pick out a crew neck. As Im grabbing the crew neck I glance over at the piece of clothing I hung up when I found out Nicole died. Every time I'm getting something out of my closet I'm forced to look at the long sleeve maroon shirt with a low cut neckline that i would always wear but not anymore. I haven't touched that shirt since she died. It's been always been a painful reminder of that day. All the guilt that hangs on me for not being able to stop her. All the memories with her. Everything. I lost all of that when she died and that piece of clothing will always remind me of that day that I lost my other half and it shall remain there untouched to hold the days memory.

When I'm getting changed I look at myself in the mirror and cry so many things wrong with my body. Fat stomach, big thighs, big waist, everything. I calm myself down and get changed into my leggings and crew neck and start to do my makeup to cover up my ugliness and breakouts. When I think I look somewhat decent I check my phone and it's 12:45. I make my bed and sit down to sketch for a little.

Drawing is one of the few times my thoughts are known and aren't just a mess in my head. Drawing gives me freedom to do whatever i want. I normally draw deep and depressing things because that's how my thoughts are, I draw my thoughts. Occasionally I'll draw characters from a game and those turn out pretty good. Today my drawing is a girl hiding herself away in the corner with her demons haunting her. It's how my thoughts are to me, my inner demons.

2:45 rolls around and I hear the sound of the bus crunching on the leaves on the road and stopping at the top of my driveway. I run downstairs and outside wanting to give Lindsey the biggest hug ever. She's half way down the driveway when I meet her out there and I embrace her in a big hug and we don't let go for a little just enjoying the love. I wish I could talk to her but I can't. We walk inside and she asks what food you got I wrote down a lot of snacks we have. She settled on some cookies then asked if I wanted to eat.

Part of me wants to say yes. But then part of me is saying you're already fat don't eat more if anything you should stop eating, that part won and I wrote to her I just ate something lying right to her face. She didn't question me and we went upstairs to do homework I had to write everything down on what I wanted to say. After she caught me a up a little and went over everything we ended up binge watching our favorite show until her mom comes to pick her up after work.

That was the first time in a while I felt true happiness not some just fake happiness I put on so people don't think I have a problem, so people don't think I'm sad. When I'm with her I don't feel like a broken girl, a part of me comes out that I never knew existed, a happy person. Why did she bring it out of me? Tyler didn't, Nicole kinda did, Tiffany didn't. These thoughts just swell my brain so much questioning everything I thought I knew, these thoughts wouldn't last long though, because soon my inner demons came back.

The demons that was always telling me to lose weight and that no one loves you. That my body is disgusting and no one will love it and I should just die. My demons never leave. They're always there causing me pain and anxiety that I'm being judged. I have to leave class to either breathe because of anxiety or throw up after lunch if I ate something. I no longer have control over my life anymore. I've lost control of my thoughts, actions, my own damn life. I can't no longer find control. Cutting helped at first, but even then it's like I couldn't control myself doing it. Why did I lose control of my life? It's like the life I am in right in isn't me. I don't have a say, I can't do anything about anything it does, someone is living my life for me. Someone is telling me to not eat, but instead exercise. Replace meals with sit ups. Replace friend time with alone time. Replace everything about my life with something I don't want. Something that never was supposed to happen. Everything I do I feel like I'm not the one deciding to do it. Like I'm just there watching the decision being made for me.

I lay in bed with a feeling of happiness, anxiety and a feeling I can't describe. It feels like every muscle in my body went numb with emotions. It was a good feeling. A feeling I wish I could hold on to until the all to familiar pain of someone sitting on my chest. Anxiety attack. Great. I hate getting these at night because then it's impossible to fall back to sleep. I'm struggling to find air. I started to focus on my breathing rather on trying to figure out what caused this. I take deep breaths, but the feeling is still there. My mind goes into overdrive, not knowing why this is happening but my brain and body not telling, just turning against me. I get up and start to breathe while standing. This only made the lightheadedness more noticeable. I have no idea what's happening. This is not like any anxiety attack I had before. The pain in my chest becoming worse with every breath I take. Now panic starts to set in mix what whatever this is. Nothing is helping.

I lost control again and that razor was in my hands before I even thought about grabbing it. The razor in my hand feels like a hundred pounds. My brain and body made a decison so quickly I couldn't think about because then the razor is slicing through my thigh, bringing pain along with it. My mind lost control not being able to stop. Slicing up my thigh. Pain running up and down leg. Tears running down my face. Enough is enough. I pull the razor away from my leg and throw it and I clean up the bloody mess. At least the scars won't be seen anymore. No one should know the true Avery. People will know the surface and some other things but no one will ever know the full Avery. The girl who is broken, worthless, undeserving of love, ugly and so many more that I am.

Surprisingly after the cutting episode the pain in my chest is gone. I can breath once again. My lungs taking all the oxygen it can get after feeling like it was being suffocated for so long. But my mind is still in dark places going to overdrive once again. So many things rushing through my head about so many things that don't even make sense to me. I take a deep breath and head to bed when my phone buzzes and what I see on my phone sent me right back into an anxiety attack.

Aunt Adabelle something happened..... My daughter, your cousin, Audrey is missing. 

/A/N Sorry it took so long to get this published literally the day after I posted the previous part my charger broke and I was busy over new years I didn't have enough time to write. Even now my computer charges only when its fully off, so I only have a small amount of time to get things done. To add when i added on my phone it wouldn't save to watt pad on my computer. But what do you guys think of the plot twist at the end, what will happen now?