1 // CONFIDENTIAL // JEDDY

// fourty four //

"i'm not entirely sure. the second time it happened we were..."

they were at louis' birthday celebration. january 11th. he was turning 24. and everyone was in high spirits, mostly due to drinking spirits. but jamie had been feeling off the past couple of days, ever since that fateful night.

he knew he shouldn't have had cocaine - that part was obvious. if anyone found out about him relapsing, especially after having so long clean, they'd be so disappointed, particularly teddy.

he'd had a history of drug use; it was during university. his course wasn't the easiest, but he also knew it wasn't the hardest. and jamie was smart, so why was he struggling so much? the content felt like too much to learn too quickly and everyone else seemed to be getting on fine with it. there was this isolation jamie felt around him during that time, no one really understood how he was feeling.

he'd gotten outstanding results in both his a levels and his GCSEs and now things were piling up and he no longer felt like that smart kid who was guaranteed to do good. it wasn't exactly rocket science why jamie ended up where he had been.

one of his flat mates was going to a house party and noticed the mood jamie was feeling in one night. his offer to bring jamie along felt very gracious and jamie couldn't help but accept. he got dressed up and once they got there, the party was practically in full swing. a drink got handed to jamie as soon as he got in. hopefully the alcohol would provide a distraction to how he felt.

but it wasn't enough, and soon he found a group of people, smoking weed. and he thought, there's no harm in trying something more. he liked to think of it as a better distraction.

and one drug leads to the next, which leads to the next, which leads to the next and then- and then he got found out. fred had walked in on him, about to inject heroin, them both going to the same university (different courses though). it hadn't been a pretty sight, and jamie would rather not be reminded of all the details.

it took over a year to fully stop jamie's addiction. it had built up so much that he struggled to go without something to get him though the day. there'd been times where he thought that he was done, after a couple months of being clean. but he got this itchiness on the whole of his body, and he'd hidden some around the flat just in case.

but that was back then. he'd been clean for over a year. well, he used to be clean. not after that night when he couldn't think and he just wanted not to feel. teddy couldn't know. jamie can't tell him. it would be his secret.

but dylan knew. dylan knew a lot. and now jamie had to find him tonight, hopefully fred had brought him, and had to tell him to not mention it to anyone. but the sight of dylan on its own made him feel sick ever since, knowing what they'd done. jamie didn't know if he'd ever tell fred. 

"jamie!" freddy shouted, collaring him over. noticing dylan by his side, jamie was hesitant to join him. but the look on fred's face was so hopeful and happy and jamie found himself walking toward them.

he pulled jamie into a hug as soon as he got there. fred gave the best hugs, and it felt like all of jamie's problems and tensions disappeared as soon as fred embraced him. it was one of his things.

"you remember my boyfriend, right?" fred asked, grinning. and the warmth that jamie felt soon vanished.

that smile on us his face was enough to make jamie feel sick to his stomach. and the guilt eating up at him had gotten to his stomach, and there was a chance he'd actually be sick.

"yeah. dylan, isn't it?" jamie asked, playing the naive card. hopefully dylan would understand what direction he was going in.

he couldn't live with fred knowing, it'd ruin him. and in that situation, jamie didn't know if the 'him' was referring to fred or himself.