Journey of Purpose

Missed, Take

I fell apart on knowing that I am unable to make my own decisions. People are just too controlling, they want you to be more practical but if it is between you and their dreams, you will be left behind. Is it the age thing? Is it because she is young, she can follow her own dreams, damn it all. But since you are a decade older, you have no choice but to just be practical. Damn your degree, it doesn't matter, find a backoffice job and stay there.

"You know, years ago I never even wanted to study, you want to talk being practical? I wanted to just work and never look back, sure I'd be stuck on a dead end of a job, but I'll be happier, no one will dictate how I should live my damn life."

Now that I have a degree its as if I can stumble anytime, like people are waiting for it. Saying things like, "I was surprised that you were never late, or took an absence while you were working." Of course! It's 'a' job, why wouldn't I take it seriously? I am not stupid, I know what needs to be done. In retrospect maybe they just spoke about it in a way that's supposed to be inspiring, but came out wrong because of my own anger, but come on.

I taught at a university that was close to where I lived, my alma mater. I liked it there, loved my job, I'd take substitute classes if I wanted to, even help out outside of my shift. Maybe it was the way I spoke about my day, I just wanted to share how we handle the kids, I don't dislike what I do. If I did I wouldn't have stayed, the other instructors always did worst than how I handled myself, most of them would yell at their students, fail them on short notice. Not me, I was considerate. I've had contingencies if the kids were unable to follow through, one could say that I am open to suggestions even. Maybe it just came out as rants of sorts, but by any means that was what my co-instructors did, that was our shared lives everyday. We were open to helping each other out, open to suggestions but to be told that I have no clue what I was doing by a person who have never encountered anything we have been doing for the past semester felt so surreal.

I've never compared my achievements to them, never have I ever shoved the medals I've gotten on their faces. Have I compared getting a diploma that they could never get in a decade or two? I haven't, because that is not me, but to insist the idea that I don't deserve what I have is something else.

I loved my job, loved every minute of it out of every second I've done it through all of the days that I've worked there. I've sought advice from great educators who have molded me into becoming someone that could tip the scale of change for even a little bit. I never cared much for praise but do people really need to be so negative? Why do we need to handle everything with gritted teeth and rub thr mistakes of others on their face just to make them realise that they don't deserve what they worked so hard for.

I left my job thinking that I don't deserve it because I don't have a license, let them dictate how they see things fit. I think it wasn't enough for them to bully you when you were young, they have to carry on until you are older just so they can feel satisfaction with a life they have given up on. I mean years ago, I couldn't even leave our house, and no matter what anxiety happens to me, just because it 'was me' it didn't matter. I don't deserve medical attention because 'I am not worth' the look. But I rose above that fear, on my own, taking medication that I deemed fitted my case. Dure it took seeing my grandmother's passing to realize that I should get off my ass and pursue a much more fulfilling life. I chose to be like that, I fought back, I think I deserve a little bit of break from all of the hate people wanted to throw at me.

I've always said that I don't need gifts, but it was mainly because no one ever cared to give me any.