Caspian Jones

Chapter 36: Caspian

My throat closes up. I can't breathe, all I want is Davy. But he's not a viable option.

Why? Why would he do this? I didn't do anything wrong, did I? I didn't hurt him, did I? I kissed him, I loved him.

So why is this happening?

"Caspian, I'd get off the field. We're going to start training." One of the knights laughs at me.

"Yeah, okay." I stand, wobbling a little as I make my way back to the castle. There's nowhere I can go now. I don't want to get drunk, that doesn't solve anything, but going back into the castle feels like running right back into Davy's arms.

I grit my teeth and head up to my chambers. At least I've got someone to talk to. Even if he can't talk back, or tell me what to do.

He's never going to read these, so why do I write them?

I guess it's the only way I can escape.

"Dear Oliver,

I didn't want to write this letter. I didn't want to have to live through this fear of mine, but sadly, here we are. I've asked any higher power I could think of to stop pushing me around.

And what do I get?

A slap in the face. I sword through my heart. Betrayal.

From the one person I thought I could trust most in the world. I don't know if you can understand that feeling, and I pray you never have to.

I suppose I deserve it. I haven't been the best to Davy. He's always there for me, ready to catch me if I fall. But how can he catch me when he's the one who threw me in the first place? How could I swim to shore when he was my only saving grace?

I'm nothing without him.

I'm weak, pathetic, puny, tiny, unimportant, insignificant. I don't matter to anyone, apparently.

No one wants me.

I'm the royal joke, but I've lost my jester. And strangely, I'm not mad at Anna or Davy. I'm mad at myself. I could have done more, I could have been more for Davy. I wasn't enough, it's all my fault.

I did this to myself.

Yours,
Caspian"

I have to stop writing, my tears are so close to ruining the page. Then he wouldn't be able to read it.

"Cas..." Anna knocks on my door.

"Hey." I can't bring myself to look at her. "You- uh..."

"Look, Cas, Davy messed up. I don't expect you to forgive him-"

"Then why are you here?" I wheel around. I don't want to yell at her but I've lost control.

"Because you're my friend, Cas. I can't bear to see you like this."

"Well there was a simple solution, but I'm the only one who seemed to know it."

"Okay, woah, he kissed me. So don't take it out on me, because I'm just as upset as you are."

"Oh, yeah, I saw. You were fighting him tooth and nail! Both of you just need to leave me alone. Just for a couple days."

"Fine. If that's what you want."

"And you can tell Davy that I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For not doing everything right. This is all on me. Hell, I'd leave me, too."

"Cas, none of this was your fault. Davy messed up, not you."

"I loved him. What's worse is that I still do."

"I know." Anna wraps me in a hug. I should fight off her touch, but instead, I melt into it. I need a friend right now.

"I'm sorry I'm such a mess."

"You have every right to be."

I can't stop my brain from lighting itself on fire, only Davy could do that. He's been planting the firewood all along, just waiting for the right time to throw a spark in there.

He planned this from the beginning. He wanted to hurt me, and all I want is to be back in his arms. He's my home.

"I want to talk to him." I break the hug.

"Cas, that's not a good idea. Not right now." Anna tries to stop me by stepping in front of me. "You said it yourself, you need to process this."

"Well, I don't want to process."

"Let's just wait a few days, okay? Give ourselves time to recoup?"

"No, no, it'll hurt more if I wait. I'll just stew in it forever."

"Look, I know you're scared, but running back to him? That's essentially telling him that he can do whatever he wants to you and you'll come back."

"I love him, Anna! I just- I don't care that he hurt me. He didn't do it on purpose!"

"Hard to see how he could have done it on accident."

"He deserves a second chance, doesn't he?"

"Whatever. Clearly, I can't stop you, but I can help guide you. Be his friend at least. You don't have to kiss and all that, but be friendly, okay?"

"But-"

"No, there's no buts about it."

"When did my life become so screwed up?" I sigh, putting my head in my hands. Anna doesn't respond.

"I've got to go, but promise me you won't do anything too extreme." She speaks up.

"I don't know if I can promise that."

She sighs, grabbing me by the shoulders. "Cas, do you trust me?"

"Yes. Slightly less now, but yes."

"I'll take it." She gives me a weak smile. "But if you trust me at all, you'll know that I'm not saying all this to be an ass to you. I'm saying it to protect you."

"Seems that's all anyone does. Protect Caspian, because he's so weak, he can't even stand by himself. Protect Caspian because he's scared out of his mind most days. I don't want to be protected anymore, Anna."

"Sometimes that isn't a bad thing."

"Oh, right, look at Eetu! He tried to save me, and look what that got him! I should never have come back. No, I never should have left. I never should have been born."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is! How much trouble have I caused from the moment I entered the world? I- I-" Any air I had leaves my body. "I want to get drunk."