I'm fine, I promise.

Weak

  It's been a few weeks since Nancy offed our relationship. I guess things have been worse than before. It's just that things have been harder now. Sleep comes in rarely, leaving before it even begins. I don't feel the need to eat as much as I use to, not like the fridge was full before that anyway.

  My grades are slipping, but that doesn't matter. I'll end up working for my father anyways, it's what he had planned since the beginning, to have me take over the business.

  I have nightmares, when I actually get sleep. It's always about few same things. The kids dying on my watch, them getting plucked away from by those demo-whatever Dustin calls them.

   Barb, for some reason, I don't know why. I guess what Nancy said really hit close to home and now she makes appearances in my dreams saying things I know she's thinking. That I'm not good enough for Nancy, never was. That Jonathan's way better than I'll ever be. That I let her die, that it was all my fault.

  Now it's constantly in the back of mind whenever I'm in my house or even looking at Nancy, that I let a girl die cause I though that having sex was better than saving her.

  But I'm fine. I can deal with it. I have been for a while now. Nancy and I . . . . . . we're not on good terms. We don't talk anymore. Not even a little bit here and there. She just smiles, one of her pity smiles that tells me the only reason she talks to me is because she feels bad for me. I don't tell the kids, because there just kids they don't need that on there consciences.

  And it's not like I could tell my parents 'hey I have nightmares I can't sleep, eat, or even think about anything without knowing that this is my fault'. I couldn't even if I wanted to they're never home.

  This house is big enough for fourteen people and only one lives there.

  So now I'm in my car, while driving to school, school that I've been ready for since I woke up at four o'clock. The car is deathly silent. The radio is on, but it's only humming out little music.

  I drive past through the square town, remembering the good and bad memories. Nancy and I on our first official date at Benny's, Jonathan beating the shit out of me, the Halloween party. Yeah, good and bad.

  I pull into the school, hoping the assholes don't come over here. But my luck, Billy standing by his car, like he was waiting for my arrival.

  "Hey Princess. You look like shit. What is Wheeler keeping you up all night. No, it's not that bitch. I bet it's that creep keeping you up. I bet after she bumped your ass to the side. You decided you wanted-", I pushed passed him not ready for his shit this early in the morning.

  I jogged into the building, trying to get away from him and all be was saying about them. How dare he call him a creep! He called Nancy- why am I defending them? Shouldn't I not care, I mean, were not together anymore and were not friends?

  As I walk to my locker, I spot Nancy waiting at my locker with her usually pout on her face but her emotions were mixed. It was a combination of concern, guilt, and pity.

  "What was Billy Hargrove saying to you was he giving you a tough time again. You can always tell us, me and Jonathan.", she spouted out commands and questions like she had seconds to get them out.

  I nod my head and say yes and no to her questions, hoping she'll be done. I know she only does this because she feels bad, but it just makes it worse to know that she's not doing this because she loves me.

  She finally stops and she says goodbye giving me a glance before she walks over to Jonathan, who was walking down the hall. She grabbed him, into a hug and her face turned a different expression than when she was with me. A look she never gave me.

  Her face free of worry and guilt, but now if was full of happiness and love. When she looked at him she just shined, like she was so happy that she couldn't help show it to everyone. Including me.

  I walked away, not able to see them together anymore. I just wish I could hate them. Hate them for not loving me.
Hate them for giving me pitied looks, hate them for leaving me. I can't seem to, not matter how hard I try and trust me I've tried.

  I went into my first hour class, greeted by kids standing around talking to each other and messing around. I moved through them until I found a empty desk in the back. I sat down and laid my head on my desk until the teacher came in.

  I did my best to concentrate on what Mrs. Prendergast was talking about, but my mind became muddled and my concentration broke.

  Next thing I know she standing in front of me, calling my name.

  "Steven. . . . . Steven, pay attention or would you like to find yourself seated in the principals office.", she said hands on her hips looking down on me. The kids were laughing at me, probably another rumour is gonna start about this. Steve Harrington was staying up till late with his new mistress trying to get over her.

  "Sorry, Mrs. It won't happen again.", I say wearily looking at her. Her face drops and then she looks worried.

  "Steven, are you okay? You look sick. Do you have a temperature?", she says feeling up my forehead.

  "No, I'm fine. Just don't get much sleep from nig-", I say slipping up.

  She looks at me again with worry, but in the end she just tells me to go home. To get a good night's rest and come back tomorrow refreshed and charged up.

  I go along with her, actually a little thankful for that. I don't think I can do it here with all Nancy and Jonathan's stares, Billy's comments, and me falling  asleep every chance I get.

  I grab my bag and leave the class, having heads follow me as I walk out the door. I walk to my car and drive home, leaving the school full of judgmental stares.

  I get into the house, that's as bright as a lighthouse, and lay my things down by the door.  I go to my room and sleep, for more than four hours this time, I wish.

  I can't help, but get flashes of the kids, Nancy, Jonathan, Barb, that thing fill my head. I get up and walk into my father's office, filled with papers, plaques, and his liquor cabinet.

  I take out the strongest thing in there, his expensive whiskey, and carrying the bottle back to my room. I unscrew the top and sit down on my bed. I take a huge gulp, almost wincing, but I've gotten use to this.

  I walk back to the room, carrying the bottle in my hand. I unscrew the cap and sit down on my bed. I take a big gulp, almost wincing, but doing this has been a daily thing so I guess I've gotten use to doing this. The room looks fuzzy and hopefully my dream does.