Just a Game » Dave East

nine.

Daveon sat on the top step of the back porch and stared out at the darkening backyard, not really seeing it. He felt like shit physically and emotionally. There was a dull ache emanating from his jaw into the back of his skull, but that wasn't what he was fixating on. He was too busy going back and forth between feeling depressed that his best friend of almost twenty years never wanted to see him again and feeling heartbroken that his best friend's sister didn't want anything more from him than some lessons in how to get off.

He couldn't blame her. They both said from the beginning that was all it was about between them, but somewhere along the way he'd gotten completely tangled up in her. The last two days he'd forced himself to leave her alone, give her space to think about what she really wanted, but the unintended result had been that he'd had space to think about what he really wanted. Once the urgency of his physical desire for her was removed from the equation, he realized that it wasn't what was driving him.

He didn't just want her body, he wanted all of her. He wanted her sweet smiles and her embarrassed giggles and her fiery temper and her teasing remarks. He wanted her to be his and he wanted everyone to know it.

The very idea of it scared the shit out of him. He tried to tell himself he was confusing lust and long-time friendship with...well, something else and he'd almost convinced himself it was true until last night. He couldn't say for sure it was the kiss that tipped him over the edge, but some time during the course of the night he'd given in completely.

Last night after she asked him to stay he'd found himself lying in her bed just watching her sleep. His chest ached at the sight of her thick lashes lying against her cheeks, her lips red and puffy from his kisses. Those same lips were curled into a relaxed, satisfied smile and his heart swelled with the knowledge that he was the one who put that smile on her face.

"Fine, I admit it," he whispered to himself. "I love her."

The words echoed in his mind, not nearly as surprising as they should have been. If he thought about it, the signs had been there from the very beginning. It had never really felt like a game to him. Once he allowed himself to acknowledge it a sense of peace settled on him. Holding her like that, their bodies twined together, it seemed so natural. So right.

He'd been relatively confident she felt something for him too, until this morning. Her comments to Antonio about seducing him and getting all she wanted from him had caught him by surprise. And then his clumsy attempts to feel her out had not gone the way he expected when she came right out and told him she didn't want anything more from him. Her words had cut him like a knife and he'd shut himself off so she wouldn't see that she'd hurt him.

Still, even now he couldn't help but wonder whether that whole conversation might have gone differently if it hadn't come on the heels of their confrontation with Antonio. His tirade had left them both angry and defensive, and in Dave's case, fuzzy headed and in pain. Maybe if they'd woken slowly with the rising sun, still wrapped in each other's arms, she'd have seen what he felt in his eyes and he never would have had to struggle to find the words to tell her.

It didn't matter now. He just needed to find some way to let it go. Hopefully it wouldn't be too hard. Work would keep him busy enough and unless he found some way to fix things with Antonio, which didn't seem likely at the moment, he wouldn't have to worry about running into her. He couldn't decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Right now it definitely felt like a bad thing, since the only person in the world he wanted to see was her. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and bury his face in her hair so he could smell her. He wanted to hear her tell him that everything was going to be okay and feel her hands soothing the tense muscles of his back. More than anything he wanted to kiss her again. Dammit, why hadn't he at least kissed her again?

He laid his head gingerly in his hands and heaved a sigh. The screen door opened behind him and he smelled his mother's perfume before he heard the creak of the stairs as she sat down next to him.

"You and Antonio haven't gotten in an actual fight since you were fourteen and I told you I'd kick both your asses if you ever touched each other in anger again."

Dave chuckled humorlessly. "Ironically enough, that fight was about a girl too."

"I told you not to tell him you thought his girlfriend was annoying."

"I didn't." There was no point trying to keep it quiet, his mother would have weaseled the story out of him eventually. She was good at that. "He caught me with Alexis." When he looked up at her he was surprised not to see an expression of shock on her face.

"You probably should have said something to him before you asked her out," she said matter-of-factly.

"I didn't exactly ask her out..."

"Oh, Daveon—"

"Don't start, Ma. I feel bad enough, okay? Believe me, I couldn't feel more like a pile of shit right now. My best friend, the person who knows me better than anyone else in the goddamn world, thinks I'm not good enough for his sister."

"Watch your language. I'm sure that's not true. He just doesn't want to see get Alexis hurt. Did you tell him you have feelings for her?"

"He didn't give me the chance, but it doesn't matter anyway."

"What does that mean?"

"It doesn't matter what Antonio thinks about it because Alexis doesn't want me."

"That's ridiculous. She's been mooning over you since she was a little girl."

"Yeah, well, she's not a little girl anymore."

"Took you long enough to figure that out."

"You're really not helping here, Mom."

"I'm sorry, honey. I know it hurts right now and it seems like everything is messed up, but you'll sort it out."

"I don't know about that. I may have actually screwed this one up beyond repair. I just didn't...I didn't realize..." He trailed off, unsure what he was even trying to say. Finally he gave up trying to figure it out and shrugged again. "And now it's too late."

They were both silent for a while and then his mother sighed and put her hand on his arm. "I didn't provide you with a very good example of how relationships should work—no, don't argue, it's true. I wasted too many years sacrificing all the wrong things trying to hang on to relationships that were obviously not good for me. Or for you. My priorities were all messed up. I wanted so badly to be loved that I was willing to settle for anything that vaguely resembled it."

"You did the best you could, Ma. I know that."

"No, I didn't. I could have...I should have done better. And I'm sorry that I didn't. But I want you to know how proud I am of the man you've become despite the series of assholes I paraded in front of you."

Dave wanted to say something, but the lump in his throat prevented him.

"It doesn't matter one bit what Antonio or anyone else thinks of you because the truth is that you have a good heart and you want to treat women right. And even if you don't always know the best way to go about that yet, you're miles ahead of most guys your age because you care enough to make an effort. The right girl will value that in you no matter what mistakes you make."

"Thanks, Mom," he said, his voice tight with emotion.

"You're welcome." She patted his arm again. "Now come inside and take some more ibuprofen. I can tell you're hurting."

"Hey, Ma?" He stopped her with a hand on her arm. "I like Mike. He seems like a really good guy and I'm glad you found someone who deserves you."

"Thanks honey. He is a good guy. And I'm glad you like him, that means a lot to me. Take it as proof, it's never too late."