If I Die Young

38. October

It was late October before anything significant happened again. I came home from Kathryn's one night to find the younger kids all sitting on a blue tarp outside as they dug into pumpkins and threw the guts aside, delighted smiles on their faces putting a contented one on mine. Truth is I was under a lot more stress than I'd have liked to admit.

Gal was recovering well, her lean figure gaining a little more meat back on her bones every day. The more time I spent with her though the more I was seeing the girl I'd fallen for, the brave soul who dyed her hair in an act of rebellion and painted murals of goddesses with spray paint. I could see her in our old school uniform, a tartan skirt with a blue blazer, all dressed up and absolutely raring to go. The guilt was overwhelming as I gripped Ethan's hand every day at school and kissed him goodbye in the afternoons; I still cared for him but seeing her, having Gal back in my life, it was making things very, very hard.

I decided to turn away from the kids, instead marching up the stairs towards a place I hadn't touched in a while. Ladon was out on the roof, just as usual, and his bristling behavior roused itself as I took a seat beside him. We'd been at each others throats for a while now and I felt awful about it. I owed him an apology.

"What do you want," he grumbled, looking away from me.

"I want to say I'm sorry I made it seem like I didn't care."

That caught his attention. Ladon turned back to me, his orange eyes glowing with stilled flames. I let out a sigh and just continued my speech.

"I've lost so many people that I love. My parents, my family, Gal...I've only just started opening up again and you caught me at the worst time in my life and made me feel better. That doesn't mean I'm in the right mindset to make any important, life-altering decisions. I never should have gotten involved with you but that doesn't mean I regret it, either."

"So, what? Is this supposed to make me feel better about you and Ethan?" Ladon said finally, "what made you give him a chance, but not me?"

"He's the kind of person who remembers their favorite color to see you wearing; he apologized and proved to me he wasn't the kind of person I thought he was. I guess the effort and the intention...that's what made him attractive to me, but..."

"But?"

"We found something in that facility," I whispered hoarsely, lacing my fingers together in my lap and squeezing tightly, "someone I thought was dead. Someone I've missed dearly for quite some time now." A choked breath came out of my chest as I looked up at the stars. "I don't know if I can keep seeing Ethan knowing she's alive and well. It's tearing me up inside and I just...I don't know, Ladon. I don't want to lose anyone else."

He seemed to realize I was no longer just struggling with my identity or my realization that nothing here was as it seemed, reaching out and offering a side hug as I leaned into him. My breath came out in shaking heaves, the lungs collapsing within my rib cage as I let everything fall in on me. This wasn't just teenage angst at its finest, this was pure trouble, and trouble wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to ask him so much more, get his advice on everything, but any questions I had died on my lips as I attempted to speak.

"I...I think I'm going to head inside," I sighed, "I haven't slept right since I got back from that place."

"Let me walk you to your room."

I nodded, letting him help me to my feet to be escorted back down through the skylight and into the house. It must've been dinnertime, or close to it, because everyone had come back in from outside and taken residence in the dining room. I really wasn't that hungry so I let Ladon take me to my room, giving me a long, warm hug before he finally released me. I chuckled a little bit at a memory and caught his attention before he turned away.