Can't loose what I never had

Seven

I walked into his charms class, sighing in frustration when I saw Harry in here. I just had to have all my classes with him, didn't I? Why did fate hate me so much? I just hoped Harry would have the decency to sit away from me, I wasn't in the mood to talk to him, especially because of that last conversation we had. I couldn't count how many times I had rejected Harry but I was slowly feeling myself start to give in. I violently shook my head, no, I couldn't give in, not now, not ever.

I put my face in my hands as I sat down at a desk near the back, why did life have to be so complicated? Why did Harry have to be so complicated? Why do I have to be so complicated? I put my bag on the desk in front of me, resting my head on the desk, feeling emotionally drained. I didn't want to have to deal with this, why couldn't life just go back to normal, before I knew my dad wanted to disown me? Before all of this.

Professor Flitwick started talking but I wasn't paying attention, too busy staring at Harry. God damnit, why was I thinking of him by his first name? This was all his fault, all my stupid emotions and my stupid thoughts and my stupid tears were all his fault. He made me want to cry for no reason, why? I didn't get it. All these difficult emotions twisting my heart, what were they? It happened every time I looked at him, every time I talked to him, every time I rejected him, every time I thought of him.

I wanted to believe him when he told me he just wanted to help but how the hell was I supposed to believe in him when everyone betrays me or leaves me after they tell me they're going to help me? Maybe I was being a hypocrite, maybe I was being unfair, maybe I was being selfish but I wanted it. I wanted help. I wanted him.

What? I slapped myself, shaking my head violently. Merlin I was starting to act like Dobby every time he was about to let something slip. I didn't want Harry, I don't want Harry, I never would want Harry, my mind was just being stupid. Just pay attention and do your work, that will distract your from your dangerous thoughts. Oh Merlin now I was talking to myself in third person, what was wrong with me? Have I finally gone mad?

I groaned, my head falling onto my arms. Whatever, who cares if I go mad?

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I walked outside to the lake after I finished me homework, feeling bored. I immediately started turning back around when I saw Harry and his friends sitting near it though before I stopped. Was I really going to let Harry scare me off and make me have a bad time? I growled and stomped down towards the lake, sitting down roughly on the grass, rolling up my pants and dipping my feet into the water. I could feel Harrys eyes on me but I didn't care, ignoring the fluttering of my heart when I thought of him looking at me.

I cleared my mind, as I stared out at the lake the dream replayed in my mind of me and Harry laughing and splashing eachother. I sighed, collapsing onto my back, putting the back of my hand over my face, feeling relaxed as I lied down, not caring Harry and his friends were only a few feet away. I heard Harry say something to his friends and he came over and sat by me.

"For Merlins sake!" I shouted, throwing my hands in the air. "What do you want?"

"You sat next to me." He pointed out and I rolled my eyes.

"Just because I sat next to you doesn't mean I want to talk to you. Stop being so self-absorbed." He shrugged before looking away awkwardly.

"Look, if you really want me to leave you alone I will. If I'm being too persistent or weird or clingy and am actually bothering you then I'll leave you alone. If that's what you really want." I stared at him. This is great, I could finally go back to minding my own business and him minding his, everything could go back to normal, just like it used to be. Me and Harry fighting, not liking eachother...

I was ready to say yes, I was about to say yes, but damnit. Even if we did go our separate ways things wouldn't be the same, if I was honest with myself I had fallen and I had fallen hard for him, DAMNIT! I wanted to smack my self, why did he have to make life so hard! I just wanted to go back to my life where I hated everything about him, was I so desperate for attention that I needed to like him just to feel good about myself?

But I knew if I said yes to him leaving me alone, it would drive me insane and wonder what could have been in the future. I sighed, sitting up and staring at him in silence as the wind blew my hair. He was staring at me, a gentle look in his stupid eyes behind his stupid glasses, a small smile on his stupid face as if he already knew my stupid answer. Stupid stupid stupid! Everything about him was stupid! I hated him so much I wanted to cry; as I stared at him my heart hurt, why did it hurt so much?

"It's nice." I said gently, kicking my feet slowly in the water, staring at them, feeling his intense stare on me. "I have never...Never felt like someone cared about me so much that they would take time out of their life just to try and help me mentally. I've always been one to push people away because I felt as if no one gave a crap about me, always feeling alone and I rather hurt them than be hurt myself.

"But damnit! I always try to push you away but it just ends up in me pulling you closer and I can't..." I took a deep breath, closing my eyes. "It hurts, I hurt, and it's all because of you, it's always because of you. I try to tell myself I don't like you, I don't believe in you, but the truth is, I do." I was staring at him in the eyes, and before I could try to talk myself out of it, I said, "I fucking enjoy your stupid company, Okay?" I turned away, my face warm and my heart was beating like crazy.

I clenched my eyes closed before I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned around to see Harry smiling, true happiness in his eyes.

"I enjoy your company too, Draco." This time I let him call me by my name, and a ghost of a smile appeared on my face.