Cataclysm

3.3

I felt worse than I ever had before.

It was my fault Leo had run off. It was my fault Braken had isolated himself and wouldn't look at anyone. It was my fault David wouldn't talk anymore. It was my fault Sky was friendless again.

And for the first time, I started to understand how Leo felt.

I messed up everything. All I did was hurt people and make them mad. I felt like I was a waste of space, that no one needed me, that they'd all be better off if I wasn't here. I tried to tell myself that it wasn't true - that people loved me and would miss me, but I didn't really believe it.

It had been at least three days since Leo ran away. Maybe four. I wasn't really sure, as I'd been in a constant state of numbness and pointless meandering. I found Braken in his little blanket mound, where he seemed to permanently reside, and climbed in and sat down next to him.

He was finally asleep. He hadn't slept since he'd heard Leo was gone. He was curled up on his side, his knees almost to his chest, with Gus's teddy bear pressed up against his face. His blue bangs fell in front of his eyes, but couldn't hide the tear streaks down his face, making his cheeks flush red and hiding those little freckles.

I knew I should have done more for him. I knew I still could. But Refuge had become a place of hushed tones and suspicion glances, and no one - not even Braken - trusted me anymore.

I sat by him for a long time, just thinking. Ever since I talked to David about his brother's death, I couldn't get it out of my head. My memory replayed my fight in the games over and over, until I was drowning in panic and fear and anger. I was shaking too hard to sit up straight, and bumped Braken as he slept.

He blinked his eyes open and slowly sat up, rubbing his face and turning away from me as if to say, oh. It's you. He kept the teddy bear close to his chest protectively, like he thought I was going to hurt him.

"I'm sorry," I said, my voice cracking.

He just glanced at me and put his fingers to his lips, tilting his hand back, palm out. Thanks.

He didn't say anything else, so I neither did I.

Instead, we sat in silence. I kept my head down and picked at the bandage on my arm, but otherwise didn't move. He shifted a couple times, but we never touched. I missed that. I almost laughed thinking about it. When I'd first met him, I'd done everything I could to stay away from his touch, but now, I was silently begging for it back.

Braken adored being touched - I used to catch him smiling slightly every time we'd brush against each other or whenever I'd let him lean on my shoulder. I used to watch as he and Leo played with each other's hair, and I'd notice that whenever something unfamiliar or uncomfortable happened, he'd always reach for my hand. He found security in physical contact, and it was no surprise why. After all, Leo had said that when they'd met, the young Gifted hadn't touched someone else in nearly six years. I could see in his face that he was afraid he'd be isolated again. I didn't know why. People liked him here. He was cheerful, smiley, and friendly. He had this light around him that made others want to be around him. I'd seen it multiple times.

But now, he wouldn't interact with anyone, and he was afraid again.

"Braken?" I whispered, shifting so that my fingers just barely brushed over his. He flinched away from my touch and scooted away. "Braken, I need help." I tried to steady my wavering voice, to no avail. "Please, I don't know what to do."

He seemed to shrink down into his shoulders this time. He didn't want to listen to me.

I continued anyway. "I don't feel like I'm worth anything anymore," I said softly, my vision blurred by tears. "All I do is screw up. I think I know how Leo feels now, and ... I'm scared. I ..." I rubbed my face and took a shaking breath. "I need your help because you're the the happiest person I know. Even if you're faking it sometimes, you're just ... so ... you're sweet and nice and loving and loyal and I need some of that right now. Please help me to learn how to be like that."

A long moment of silence passed. I couldn't even hear the voices or the footsteps or the city noise outside. Just the buzzing of the silence in my ears.

I'd done it again. I'd said things I shouldn't have. He probably wasn't ever happy at all. I'd probably just made him feel worse. "Sorry," I mumbled, standing up and pushing my way out of the blanket tent. He didn't move.

The cold air washed over my face like I'd been submerged in the ocean. I shivered and hugged myself tighter, for comfort and protection, and shuffled past a few people, keeping my eyes down and my shoulders up.

Where was Leo? Was he alone and frozen somewhere? Had he been caught, or had he found somewhere warm to hide? Or - I tried not to think about this - was he already dead?

"You look like you just got news that the world is ending," Varien said behind me. I hadn't talked to him for at least a week and a half. 

"Go away," I muttered. 

"You finally figured it out, huh? You know how he feels now." Varien picked up his pace to catch up with me. "You're learning how it feels to be one of us. You're changing."

"No matter how much I do," I mumbled, "I'm still just a human. I'll never be enough for you guys."

"Probably not," he agreed. 

"Thanks," I said sarcastically.

"But no one is, not on their own. You're starting to recognize that. Not a lot of people can do that. Keep learning, Joel. You'll get there someday." He clapped his hand on my shoulder once, then turned and left me alone. 

You'll get there someday.

So far, the future wasn't very bright. 

I sighed and ran my hand through my messy hair. I needed to get a haircut. And food. And I needed sleep. I felt like I had so much to do, and yet nothing at all. 

Someone was singing in Brendan's corner - I recognized Aaron's higher voice. I needed music, so I forced myself to go find him.

"She don't like the flash
Wanna keep us in the dark.
She don't like the flame
Hate it when we're miles apart.

And she getting to the point where it's too much for her
Gonna throw us all away 'cause it's too much
She can't hide away, 'cause the world knows who we are."

I didn't know why, but I fell in love with the song. If I switched some meanings around, it almost fit me and Anna. She wanted to always love me no matter where we were, and I was tired of the attention. I didn't want to be seen anymore. I'd broken the relationship because her lights, her attention, was too much for me.

She'd hate me if I said that.

Somebody suddenly grabbed my hand and stopped me from walking forward. I immediately spun around in panic and was met with Anna's brilliant blue eyes. No, not Anna's. Braken's.

He didn't sign anything, or move to write on my wrist. Instead, he smiled up at me, covering the sorrow in his expression, and pulled me into a hug, resting his head on my shoulder. I was caught off guard, just for a moment, and then quickly returned the embrace, burying my face in his soft brown hair to cover the tears blurring my vision again. I cried so much these days.

We stayed there for a while, simply being in each other's presence and sharing our peace. I began to calm down as I felt him breathe deeply, his heart beating steadily against mine. This was better than anything anyone could have said to me.

Eventually, we pulled away. "Thank you," I whispered.

He just smiled back, both happy and sad. He took my hand and wrote a short message. GOIN TO FIND LEO. BE BAK SOON.

"Okay," I said, squeezing his hand. "Be safe."

He nodded. I will.