Fixing the Broken

Living in Fear

Through Bella's childhood she often feared the typically situation. Having a simple conversation always turned into a harsh panic attack, restricting her from conversing. Going to church became a dreadful event that she often tried to get out of. The idea of being surrounded by fake smiles and hypocritical lives made her stomach churn. Having to answer a simple question in class took a lot of self convincing. Bella was a very different thinker than most people. She saw things in a different light and always disagreed with the popular opinion. Having a different perspective on life meant avoiding confrontation at all costs. Any conversation she had was pointless because she never heard what was being said, instead she heard all of the fears running through her mind.

"Okay, what am I gonna say next? How do I respond to that? Oh I can't say that, it doesn't make sense. Just end this conversation..."

Oddly enough, Bella had the talent of music. She could sing amazingly and even played a bit on the guitar. Of course she was always asked to sing for churches and other events. When she sang she got numerous compliments and there was nothing she hated more. Awkward hugs and hand shakes with quiet whispers thanking them. She hated being complimented, but then singing was almost the only thing she got complimented for, so she took all of it in.

As Bella got older she began to make more friends, while losing old ones. By the time she was in high school she always had someone to talk to or hangout with. She wasn't popular, but she had her people. Even though she was surrounded by wonderful people that loved her, she felt utterly alone and broken. No one had ever made her feel loved. She had a best friend named Lyndsey and they were inseparable. Once Bella started making more friends in high school Lyndsey started to become jealous and slowly started to stop talking to Bella. Lyndsey was the world to Bella and she watched her leave and never once tried to stop her. Bella became so emotionless, yet so filled with emotion, that she stopped caring. After Lyndsey left her she gave up on all friendships. She felt that it was easier to live alone then to live with a broken heart that continues to be left.

Everyday at school was a challenge of getting through it without drawing attention to herself and also not crying. Sometimes she would get so hurt that she would physically go numb. The pain she felt would affect her physically, but she couldn't show it because she didn't want to explain what she was feeling. Sometimes close friends would pick up on her change in mood and they wouldn't address it, but they would talk to her and distract her from her thoughts. She appreciated when someone tried to make her happy in the best way they knew how. Those were the types of things she remembered from her school days.

Bella found comfort in music that could put her pain into words or just take her away from it all. She loved Michael Jackson and became mesmerized by his work, but she also fell in love with his personality. He was like her; shy and reserved from society. The only difference was he was blown up in the media, she was blown up in her mind.