Fixing the Broken

Losing Excitement

03/02/18
Tonight Nicole is coming over. We are pretty good friends...I guess. I got to thinking about how when we were kids we always got so excited to have a "sleepover." Now that we are older it's kind of a burden to hang out with people. Everyone enjoys being around friends, but being with someone for a whole weekend just doesn't make us as excited as it did when we were kids. It always makes me anxious cause I don't know what to do. I'm not a very good host. We mainly just watch a movie and sit in silence.

Going off topic, I don't mind sitting in silence. Sometimes I'd rather sit next to someone I love in complete silence just enjoying the moment. I feel like a lot of people think they have to keep the conversation going, but I like to just sit and take in the presence of the person I'm with. I'm weird, I know. I'm also not very good at conversation, so silence is my friend. Silence also let's me process what's happening. Sometimes things move too quickly for me to really take in what I'm feeling in the moment. I love riding in the car with someone I'm close to and just sitting there. Watching the world go by with a person I love. Words hurt me, so silence seems safer to me.

Anyways, I invited her over. I don't know why I always put myself in these situations. I like people, but in small amounts. I'm so exhausted and my head hurts, so tonight should be extra fun. She has been really weird lately. She acts distant like everyone always does to me. I said something to her, I don't remember what it was, but she yelled at me and I was like "ummm okay". She's been doing that a lot lately and it's really weird. It kind of hurts cause that's the way Lyndsey started acting when she left me.

I don't know. It just hurts.

Sometimes I wonder if living life completely isolated would be better. There would be no one to hurt me and make me hate myself. It just sucks feeling useless and disliked. Feeling like no one cares.

Nicole tells me all of this stuff like,
"You're my best friend."
"I don't know what I'd do without you."
"I tell you everything."
"I love you."
But it doesn't feel honest. 

The thing about me is that I won't say, "I love you," unless I actually love you. When I love someone I want them to know it, so I continually tell them. The thing about Nicole is that she will leave a friendship really quickly. It's like she gets tired of it. She can't stay with one person for too long. We have talked about this, but it doesn't feel any different. None of my friends are like her, I have to act different around them and say different things. With Nicole I can be myself and she gets it. I've told her stuff that no one else knows and never will.

I hate myself.