Happier (Unexpected) | Dacre Montgomery COMPLETED

016. I'm Not Perfect- IRL

a/n: this is my first warning in any book I've written. There is talk of an eating disorder (not specified) so if you're triggered by that proceed with caution.
IRL

The end of filming that day came a lot faster than I thought it would. I was nervous for two reasons. One, I didn't want to talk to Dacre, and two, Harry and I had gotten roped into going to dinner with the cast. I didn't know how long I'd have to talk to Dacre for or if things would even be resolved at the end of our talk, and I was scared that Harry would be uncomfortable with them or that Dacre might snap at him again at some point. I guess it was really nothing that would be too big of a deal, but my high levels of anxiety surrounding that situation made it hard for me to think clearly about it.

When the time to talk to Dacre finally came, I sent Harry off with the rest of the cast and promised I'd meet them a little later. They all seemed to understand that this was something that needed to be taken care of and were very understanding about it. Dacre had texted me earlier asking me to meet him in his trailer whenever I finished filming. He shot me a small smile as I walked in and stood up from where he was sitting.

"I was starting to think you weren't going to come," he half laughed.

"Filming that last scene took a little longer than we expected," I told him. He nodded in response.

"Do you want to sit?" he asked. I thought about it for a moment and decided to take the seat since I didn't know how long we'd need to talk for. "Listen, I just need to start off by saying-" I cut him off.

"Let me guess, you're sorry?" I finished.

"I know I say that a lot more than I should, but I am," he sighed, "I know it might seem like I mess things up a lot, and I do, but I've never gone through something like this before."

"Something like what, D?" I asked.

"I've never had someone who is just so sure of themselves and who they are, or who is just so perfect show any interest in me," he said, "I feel like I'm just self sabotaging myself at this point because I'm afraid I'm going to mess things up with you."

"I'm not perfect, Dacre," I said, half laughing at the end, "But maybe that's the problem. For some reason you've put me up on this pedestal that I don't even deserve to be on and although you know me now, you still see me as this unobtainable thing." I hadn't been able to say it aloud, but when I thought about it, it made a lot of sense.

"I just don't think I'm good enough is all, Ava," he said.

"I don't think that's something you get to decide for me, Dacre," I told him, "But I also don't think that I can force you to do something that you don't want to do." I could feel my eyes start to water, and I did my best to blink away the tears. Was I upset at him? Yes. Did I want him to feel the way he'd just confessed he felt? No, never. Did I still have feelings for him? Yes, strong feelings.  Could I force him to be in a relationship with me? No. The situation just seemed like it was going to have an ending that I didn't want to come to terms with.

"But what if I hurt you?" he asked.

"What if I were the one doing the hurting and not you?"

"I wouldn't care," He quickly responded.

"There you go, neither would I. It's a risk I'd be willing to take," I told him.

"What about your boyfriend?" he asked, "I don't think he'd appreciate this happening."

"What boyfriend?" I asked.

"What do you mean, 'what boyfriend'" he asked, "Your boyband boy toy."

"He's not my boyfriend, D," I said, fighting a smile that was threatening to break through. "He's a close friend of mine and we're working on our music together."

"You're not together?" I shook my head, "You can't tell me nothing has happened between the two of you though, he just gives off that vibe when he's around you." There it was. That guilt again.

"You're right," I frowned, "I'm sorry, I can't." He frowned for a second and I avoided eye contact, but he was quick to cup my cheek and bring my gaze up to meet his.

"But it's over now, right?" he asked. I nodded, "Then it doesn't matter." I couldn't hold myself back any longer, I started leaning forward and I think he got the hint and he did the same. When our lips met, it was like all the cliches in one.  I felt sparks, fireworks, butterflies everything. When we pulled away he pecked my lips one more time and then kept our foreheads pressed together.

I stayed quiet debating whether I should tell him about my not so perfect past or not, and decided that I should. The issue drove a big wedge between past boyfriends and I when we'd dated and I wanted everything to be out in the open just in case it mattered to him. I took a deep breath before looking up at him, I think he understood that I needed to say something because he increased the distance between us a little and looked attentively at me.

"Is there something wrong?" he asked.

"You said that you think I'm unattainable because you think I'm 'perfect'," I began, "And if there's any possibility of us being together, I should probably tell you about this one thing because; a) I'm 100% sure it will disprove that, and b) it's hurt some interpersonal relationships and I don't want that to happen here." Worry flashed across his face, which just made me more nervous to tell him.

"You don't have a secret love child with someone or anything, right?" he asked, making me laugh a little as I shook my head no.

"No, no, nothing like that," I said, "I had a pretty bad eating disorder, and that was kind of why I disappeared for a whole year. I was in a rehab/eating clinic for about eight months and then the rest of the year I spent away I was in Jamaica with Ellie, working on not slipping back into my old habits." I paused for a moment because I felt the knot building in my throat. "That's actually why we still live together and why she visits so frequently," I continued.

"Ava, I'm so sorry," he said as he rubbed my shoulder. It was quiet for a minute before he spoke up again. "Is it, you know, gone?" he asked. I shook my head no.

"It's um, it's something I still deal with everyday and will probably have to deal with for the rest of my life," I told him, "but it is getting a little easier as I go. It's nothing to worry about."

"That doesn't change the way I feel about you," he said, "and you were wrong, that doesn't make me see you as not perfect. If anything it makes you that much more perfect because it's made you stronger."

We stayed in his trailer and talked for a little while longer. It was basically us just talking things through and making sure we weren't hiding anything from one another. It was reassuring that he didn't show any signs of running when I told him all the not so nice things about my past.

"That's everything," I told him.

"For me as well," he responded.

"Do you want to run away while you still can?" I joked trying to keep things light but also just wanting to figure our situation out already.

"Not a chance," he smiled, "What about you?"

"I guess you're stuck with me," I shrugged.

"I don't mind that one bit," he smiled as he leaned in and pressed a sweet kiss onto my lips. "Just to clarify, that does mean your my girlfriend now, right?" I let out a giggle and nodded.