Blood Sugar

Part Fifty-Nine: Clouds

I walked to the next diner and grabbed something to eat for me and John. At least I hoped he'd be home by now. I lit myself a cigarette and walked the way to his place.

John's boots were placed in front of his door. I smiled. He was back. These days, every hour without him was painful to me and I looked forward to seeing him all the time. My smile got wider as I knocked the door lightly. I held the bag of food before my face and hided playfully. I heard him stand up, a noise of something falling onto the ground. The door opened and I slowly let the bag down. My smile faded as I looked into his face. The expression in his eyes was cloudy, the brows knit.

Just a few seconds ago, I felt like hugging him as tight as I could and kissing every inch of his face. Instead I just pursed my lips and walked past him. "I brought dinner." "Thanks."

I let the bag sink on the ground and placed myself on the mattress. "
Ok.. what's wrong?" He shrugged. "Had a bad day." "What happened?" "Promo shit sucks. I hate everyone."

Wow.. I had never seen him like that. So cold and dismissive. Except when I told him Lee was my boyfriend...

"Um.. it's just a couple of days, right? You'll get through it." He grinned gloomily. "Yeah.. and then I'll be off on tour and won't see you again. Even better prospect." I sighed. "No of course not."

He sat down next to me. There was something else. I knew it. He couldn't just get so angry about a couple of interviews.

"How was your day?", he asked. I somehow got the feeling he didn't really care. "Um.. quite okay." "What did you do?" "Well.. work obviously. And I was having a coffee and bought us dinner." "Were you alone?" I bit my underlip. "Yeah."

He placed his hands over his face, put them back down and then looked to me. "Bill was here. Did you meet him?" Oh fuck. Was he mad about him? I couldn't tell him. He'd find out about this birthday thing.

"Who's Bill?", I asked. He hit his head with his flat hand. "Come on Kaya." "I'm serious." "He was here yesterday, too. Noone in this house smokes Parliaments. Noone puts them out on the railing of the stairs Noone even smokes on these stairs. Bill does. And surprise... Marlboro butts right across. Why are you lying?"

"I did smoke on the steps. But I don't know about Parliaments. Or Bill. Who is he?" He looked me in the eyes. "Really?" I nodded. "Really." Shit. It felt so wrong. But why was he being so mad?

"Okay.. I'm sorry. I'm being paranoid these days. Bill's my best friend. But he was always into the girls I dated and it made me sick. Maybe he was waiting for me and went home when I wasn't there. I believe you you haven't seen him. I'll stop being a weirdo now. Wanna eat?", he asked and stroked my hair. I nodded and grabbed the bag.

I felt so guilty for lying to him. But I had a good reason, right?

We ate together and took a long walk outside. I was wearing my corduroy jacket. It was nice and warm, the rays of sunshine were nestling around my cheeks. But apart from that, I didn't really feel good at all. I was distancing myself. I guess the way he behaved before made me feel uneasy. And the fact that I lied to him. John grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight. I gave him a smitten smile. He stopped, kissed my forehead and I relaxed a little.

"Hey.. would you like to spend Sunday together? I have this friend who would let us stay in his parent's cottage in Venice Beach. It's actually pretty nice and I feel like this would be a good way to.. I don't know.. spend some time before we.. we can't anymore", John said, scratched his neck and looked to me hopefully. I smiled and nodded. "This sounds absolutely lovely", I said. He smiled, too, placed both of his hands on my hips and pulled me closer. "I love you", he whispered into my ear. I returned it and it felt bittersweet.

That night, we drew the painting that was supposed to hang in my bedroom. And the colors I used this time were muddy and dull. Unspoken words were filling the room, I didn't feel comfortable, I didn't feel secure or loved. The painting ended up looking far from beautiful. It didn't mirror our relationship as it should've. But I smiled and assured him I'd find a good place for it even though I knew I'd never hang it up.

Sometimes these dark feelings hang around me like a huge, black cloud that's covering the sun and won't let any light come through. It's hard to push that away even though you try. When we went to bed, I curled myself up in his blanket and clinged to his hand that was resting on my side. I think I slowly realized I'd be without him soon.