Nicholas Grey Must Not Die | ✓

5 | Enough

"If I ever run too far and when the pieces come unglued, the mess of me will always need the best of you"

~ Rescue 

We sat in his living room with a foot of space between us that I kept on eyeing as I waited for him to speak. A million things flashed through my mind all at once: fear that he may have done what he was accused of, fear that I may be turning the blind eye to a criminal, fear that he may be innocent, fear that he may go down for something he didn't do...fear that he may come to discover the part I played in manipulating him to the party. I didn't know how to feel. I don't even know what happened yesterday after I left the party. The girls told me everything had gone well and that was all I cared about anyway. I didn't care to push for the details, but now that I was sitting before him, I wished I had asked. 

Then he spoke, drawing me out of my thoughts. His voice was stern, but there was an underlying weakness that threatened to fully display itself at any moment. "I," he began, his eyes focused on his fidgeting fingers. A short second later, he stopped and forced himself to look up to meet my gaze. His eyes were empty, a sort of void that I feared to be unfillable was present. With a large sigh, he continued. "I was in love with you at the time or rather I had strong feelings for you. I mean, we were young, so I didn't even know what love was, but I knew what I felt for you was pretty damn close. I was lovestruck, Iris. Everything you did, everything you said, every time you looked at me, my heart would race, heavy with all that I felt for you. You were the last person I thought of at night and the first thing on my mind in the morning before I even opened my eyes. You quickly became my everything. I didn't know how to tell you. You were so vibrant, my moonlight and I was scared that if I was honest with you, there was a great chance I might lose you. I couldn't decide if taking that chance would've been worth the repercussions if things didn't go my way. So, I decided to keep it to myself...at least until I could overcome my fear."

I had stopped breathing long ago. My heartbeat was loud in my ear and it almost hurt to swallow against the lump in my throat. I didn't know what to do, what to say, how to even respond. That was not at all what I was expecting him to say. 

And when he continued, the tears I tried so hard to force away won the battle. "Seeing you at school two months ago broke my heart all over again. You looked so grown up, so beautiful. Your smile was brighter and your eyes still had that gleam I loved. I had tried to push you out of my system for the past three years, but one look at you was all it took for you to get under my skin again. I guess I never really got over you."

My tears fell freely; I didn't even try to stop them. I felt every single emotion from three years ago all over again and I almost feared my body would go into shock from all the pain. Still, I forced myself to take in a shaky breath. "I still don't understand why you left me," I whispered, my voice breaking towards the end. 

He could see my struggle, agony striking his eyes at the sight. He shook his head and he used his hands to cover his face as he answered me lowly. "When we went to England that summer, the first night, my dad had a heart attack. We were all shocked because he was the healthiest of us all. It was devastating to watch him so helpless, to watch my mom struggle to cope with what was happening."

A sob escaped me out of nowhere. I scooted to close the space between us, wrapping my arms around his broad shoulders in an attempt to comfort him. I didn't know what to do and I didn't know what to say. My heart was breaking for him and his family. I sniffed, trying to get myself under control for his sake. "God, Nick, I can't even begin to imagine how awful that must've been. Is he okay now?"

He gave me a shake of his head and shrugged. "He's doing okay now. We found out in England that he has coronary artery disease," he paused for a bit, seeming to contemplate whether to continue. A moment later, he went on to say, "which is hereditary. Dad's medical team advised us to get tested for genetic markings of the disease. My brother and sister got tested and they both tested positive."

My heart dropped to the pit of my stomach as the shake in his voice echoed in my mind. "Is that-what does that mean?" I asked, my breathing labored.

"It means it's very likely they'll also have coronary artery disease. They've been working with top-notch cardiologists ever since to make sure they can do as much as possible to stay healthy," he explained. He let out a sorrowful sigh and leaned back, making my arms fall to my sides. He rested his head against the headrest of the couch and closed his eyes. 

I stared at him blankly, slightly relieved that at least his siblings and his father were alright for the time being. However, he looked so pained, so worried as if the weight of the world rested on his shoulders. I shuddered as a scary thought came to my mind. "So...did you get tested?"

A long moment of uncomfortable silence sat between us and I didn't know what to do to get him to talk. He sat there silently, giving me no choice but to study him for the first time in years. He looked utterly and absolutely handsome, with his finely structured face to his long lashes to the build of his body that deserved to be on billboards and magazines across the nation. But I already knew this, I've known that he was painfully good looking for years. What I hadn't known were the struggles he and his family faced, the struggles they're still facing. He almost lost his father and he might lose his siblings to the same disease. My family was my everything. I had no siblings, but I had a lot of cousins that might as well be my siblings. I don't know what I might do if my dad had a heart attack. Lord knows how much I obsess over my parents when they have a simple headache. I would lose it if they were seriously ill. And this was why I was looking at Nicholas Grey differently than the way I was looking at him half an hour ago. He was so strong, and as it pitiful as that may sound, it's not how I mean it. I'm proud of him. I'm proud because he showed strength where I would've been weak. He stayed in school, stuck to his studies and extracurricular activities while still being attentive to his family. Sure, he pushed me away for reasons he still hasn't explained but did that really warrant him the asshole status? No, it didn't. 

And I decided right then and there that I had forgiven him for three years ago. He's been through enough.

I sighed, ready to tell him my decision, but he cut me to it. "No, I didn't get tested. I live a pretty healthy lifestyle right now and if the test is positive, I don't what the possibility hanging over my head for the rest of my life. I see what it's doing to Sabrina and Hunter and I just can't...I can't do that to myself. I can't do that to mom, either. She's been the rock of the family, keeping Dad healthy and making sure we all don't lose ourselves. She needs someone to take care of her and I'm trying to be her rock, you know. I can't be there for her if I'm always obsessing over my health.

"Which is why I pushed you away three years ago, Iris. I wanted you to myself. I loved you so much I thought my heart would burst every time I looked at you. But I also knew that if you wanted to be with me, I couldn't ask you be with someone who may be at risk for one of the deadliest diseases in the country. And if God forbid, I end up with the disease, I couldn't ask you to put your life on hold to care for me. But, I also knew that I couldn't just be your friend; I loved you too much. So, I just...I knew I had to let you go. And that's what I did," he finished off. His eyes were still closed, but there were tears continuously flowing down his cheeks. His voice was trembling and I couldn't handle what I was witnessing.

The dam broke then and the tears flooded my eyes. I couldn't get a grip on my emotions as they overwhelmed me. I covered my face with both my hands as my heart twisted painfully. I couldn't speak. It took a lot to breathe. In the beginning, the tears fell silently down my face. As time progressed, however, memories of us, his family, and the past engulfed my thoughts and an agonized sob escaped me. I gripped my heart, trying to push the pain away. I couldn't control my body as it slipped off the couch. I landed on my knees, the wave of sorrow taking over my motor skills. My hand gripped my stomach and the other clasped over my mouth so that I wouldn't make any noise to alarm Nick. He had his own pain to deal with. I scolded myself for being so weak. I should be consulting him, not crying over my own pain. It's just that for so long, I thought he had left me out of cruelty not out of love. Learning the truth was too much for me to handle. 

Much to my dismay, my sobs got louder by the second. It became clear to me that there was nothing I could do to control my emotions. 

Seconds later, a strong pair of arms wrapped around me, emitting an aura of understanding and comfort. 

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