hands (professor lupin)✔️

Chapter Fourteen || Aftermath

Picture found at enchanted-teacup.tumblr.com (possible author - third-one, not totally sure, but whosever picture this is, it is beautiful and tell me who you are so I can give you credit!

It's strange how after something scary happens, you forget.

Ron told the story of his attack many times, and now it seemed to bring him joy - and it made him popular too. Both Hermione and I were sick of his narrative. Harry didn't say a word, but sometimes his eyebrow would twitch at Ron's tall tales and then I knew he was tired of it as well.

The days went on. Somehow, for me, fighting off the Boggart-Dementors wasn't getting easier at all. Harry no longer cried from the strain - a couple of times he even managed to create a shield. Strangely enough, it was harder for me to do it.

Possibly because Lupin was in the room. Sometimes he would appear somewhere nearby and I'd gasp for air - I longed for him to take my hand and lead the wand in the right direction. I felt that if he were physically close, I would be better at this.

Meanwhile, every time ended with me leaving together with Harry. Lupin would sometimes ask us to come in his study - despite the conversation we'd had, he seemed reluctant to talk to me as much as we had before.

It hurt me, even though I knew he was right in doing so. One night, however, it seemed too painful, and I asked him if I could stay behind and talk to him.

- Naturally. Just let me close off all of these trunks.. There now.

A short walk through the corridors and we were back in his study, a warm fire blazing, its light bouncing off the teapot. I looked into Lupin's tired face. We had been talking about everything and anything for what had seemed a long time... Yet now he was looking at me almost in that same way as when we first met on the train.

- I got carried away... what was it that you wanted to talk about? - he said and smiled, softly, sending a burning feeling through me.

- N-nothing in particular, sir. I just missed talking to you. 

Then, to change the subject:

- How do you think Harry is progressing with the Dementors?

- Not outstandingly well, but quite all right, - he said. - I feel like he's starting to become more sure of himself. What about you? Why do you think the Dementors are so hard for you to tackle? You're usually brilliant at everything...

- No, I'm not, - I said, hurriedly. - I guess... I'm less brave than Harry, that's all.

- We both know you're not. - Lupin said, shaking his head. - Harry is just a child, even though he's been through so much already... He thinks becoming a grown-up will help him solve his problems. Little does he know that it only gets harder from there.

I nodded.

- I remember when I was Harry's age, how I was scared of the future, and yet, hoped it would bring some kind of solace. You see, growing up as a - well, as who you know I am, I wasn't always optimistic about life. In fact, sometimes, I would not have objected against a sudden, painless end.

- Sir.

- Don't call me sir.

- I'm sorry. I just had to say something, that... that's a horrible thing to say.

- No, I'm sorry, I didn't want to shock you.

- You haven't... I know what it's like, to want to die. I just don't ever want you to feel like that.

- You're too kind, Lennie. I don't deserve you.

I hid a painful smile and tried to laugh.

- You deserve much better than me.

- What a silly thing to say. I once knew a witch who was as modest as you... She was one of my best friends. Harry's mother, by the way. I knew her well.

I looked at him, wondering why it was that his best friends had to die. Probably the same reason why my life had been miserable as well. No reason.

- Did you have any other friends?

- Yes. One of them too died at the hands of Voldemort, and another one... well, he's all over the papers now, isn't he?

There was a silence before I realised what he meant.

- Sirius Black was one of your best friends?

- Yes. And turned out, he was mad... A supporter of You-Know-Who... I still.. still have trouble believing that.

I wanted to reach out to him and hold him. Somehow, I felt, that had life been a bit nicer to me, he wouldn't have objected.

But life had never been nice to me.

- I'm so sorry... I wish there was something I could do.

- You're helping more than you know, Lennie. It's been ages since I could talk to someone like that...It is always a mystery whenever anyone takes an interest in me, Lennie. I'm not fishing for a compliment, I am genuinely surprised.

- You don't think much of yourself-

- You don't think much of yourself either, Lennie. And you should... you really should. I've made so many mistakes in my life, I've got lots to reproach myself for.

- Everybody makes mistakes... As someone who nearly got thrown out for hers, I can understand.

I didn't know how these words came out, but Lupin looked at me strangely when they did.

- It was not your fault, Lennie.

- Yes it was. I... at least everyone keeps making me feel like it was. Everyone back at my own school, that is.

- You couldn't have stopped... that man from doing what he did.

- Well... apparently most don't even think he wanted to do it. That I somehow lured him into it...that I... well, in short, that there must have been foul play, because I myself am not that...enticing shall we say.

Lupin shook his head and covered his face with his long white hand.

- Define enticing... - he muttered.

I thought I'd misheard.

- What... what did you just say?

He looked at me, furrowing his brow a little.

- Just now?

- You... you said...

Lupin suddenly glanced at the clock on the wall.

- I think we should continue this conversation at another time, if you don't mind... It's getting late, Lennie. I don't go to sleep till late at night, but you need all the rest you can get.

I felt glued to the spot, yet I made myself get up. Lupin had suddenly become way more distant than usual, and as I went out the door, he didn't even reply to my "good night", nor look at me again.

Comment and vote if you like this chapter <3