Panda Eyes //Calm/Ot4 5sos//

7: Carry me home

I'm drowning. This is what the end feels like. Why can't i have him? why can't i have them? Theyre all i want and all they have is each other.

"take me home please god take me home," I sobbed. Michael looked down. He knew this was his fault. How could i not love him with a face like that? The soft skin, the green glowing eyes. All i see as i put my hands on him. God, fuck i need him. Michael stared at me confused, could he feel it. No course he couldn't. I felt my heart break he winced maybe he could see it in my eyes. Then he kissed me again more passionately. Others. All i think about as his lips touch mine. But then it fades and i feel war. His lips run down my neck. Red, passion and anger. Then pink as he reaches my chest pulling off my shirt. Love. Is this love? No it can't me. Black for regret breaths, blue as the coldness of my hand hitting the window. My eyes widen as i pull away. He is all i want. I look at him his lips parted heavy breathing as i felt the weight of him in between my hips.

"fuck," i search his face for reassurance, he had nothing to give me. I need to get out of here and think. I look away and meet a sleepy smile of a drug addict and a frown of a bubblegum prince.

I want to be inside their mind. Desire and violence. Michael sat up and looked out the window.

"take him home," was all he said after this. After that kiss after the colors. The love, the desire, and the danger.

"Fucking dick," muttered ashton under his breath as he drives. I zone out. My eyes staring at the seat in front of me. They were talking and laughing. Well only calum was laughing and the others were having a harsh argument. I wasn't listening my thoughts don't exist and my sight blurred.

Somehow I made it into my room, I wasn't all there anymore. I bet it wasn't even real I looked at my shitty band posters and  the books thrown on to the ground.

I'd just stayed here and read, I imagined everything.

I slide down my pants and lay in bed. It'll all be normal in the morning.

- - -

I wake up to a missed call from an unknown number and a text with an address and 'meet you there at 10 - m.'

Oh god it was real, it was all real. I roll off my bed onto the floor pulling all of the covers over my head.

No I will not meet him there at ten nor will I call him back.

I feel the tingles starting again from the tips of my fingers up into my hands and down the rest of my body.  Distraction I need a distraction. I grab my phone scrolling aimlessly on Instagram. My day goes on in slow motions until I decide to play some music.

Sometimes I just need it and it transports me to somewhere special. Someplace that's only mine.

"Got me spinning like a ballerina
Feeling gangsta every time I see ya
You're the king and, baby, I'm the queen of
Disaster, disaster" 

I sing louder than usual because my mom's not home. One foot in front of the other my socks turning into old times oxfords. Curls bouncing like a movie star. Spinning over and over again. Hips dropping low imagining dancing with 1950s heart throb. Or Michael I was dancing with Michael. I spun under his arms and then he wrapped me up spinning him away from him and as I come back I'm in calum's arms. He back steps leading us as we danced around the ballroom.

My dreams were shattered by knocking on the door. I walk downstairs slowly a bit paranoid as I open the door. Giggles was there, he looked more intimidating with the others. His arms were twice the size as Michael's and he had a fire in his eyes I couldn't help but notice. But then it was back the smile and his dimples. It was so serene you could look at it for hours. He had a gently art I could tell.

"Hey Luke I just wanted to say sorry,"

"Sorry for what?"

"For Michael," he let out a sigh shuffling his feet. " he won't hurt you if you don't let him, he really means no harm he just doesn't understand how to well love someone. Neither of them do,"

I nod in reply, unable to find words to comfort him and just let him in. Leading him to the couch and hugging him gently. He relaxes into me sighing in relief.

"They're just so hard to deal with sometimes, they never listen, calum's always high and Michael's off almost getting killed. And I have to walk around acting like I'm sane all the time. And maybe just maybe I wanna be the one that is to fucked up to walk home. But no." I rub his back as he vents
" I do all this shit and I don't even get a thank you, wanna know what I was doing this morning cleaning up Michael's vomit because he decided to drink more because he felt bad about making you cry. And last night almost lost calum because he was wondering off again and then when I got him he did the snoozy thing. Where he closes his eyes and dirfts off mouth open and drooling. He won't get any help. I'm just I need a break I need something. I need to be the one that gets carried home,"

" I'll carry you home," I glance up and down his frame.

"Will you?"

"Yes."