Count On Me

VII

Cal:

"Um. I don't know what to do next." I admit to Xavier.

He doesn't dare say anything.

I press my lips together, feeling bad that I might have scared him. I just wanted to have someone with me, wanted to feel like I wasn't alone for once.

"Tell me about Sandy." He whispered then.

"Anything specific?" I croak.

Xavier shrugs. "Anything." He says.

I sigh. Close my eyes and think. My mind goes foggy, and I can't think. "She stopped talking me to after we had Sukie, she would go out a lot. I never found out until Sukie told me that she didn't want to have a babysitter anymore. God she was still young, and Sandy just wasn't ready. We both weren't."

Xavier stays silent. So I go on.

"I caught her with another guy one time, and she got mad when I confronted her. I wasn't mad that she was seeing someone else, I was disappointed that she never told me. I would've supported her. I would've encouraged her to live her life with someone she wants." I pause. "She got defensive though, and when she told me that her biggest regret was meeting me and having Sukie, I snapped."

Xavier blinks. Leans towards me, and his breath is cool against my neck. "I need to tell you something." He whispers. "Can you keep a secret?"

His boldness and sudden turn of conversation intrigued me. I tilt towards him, unconscious and instinctual. "You know I can."

"Back when I was much younger...when Sandy and I were still close, she talked about you constantly." He says quietly, he closes his eyes, and he presses his forehead against my own. "She told me that you were a selfless. Told me that you were beautiful."

His voice turns breathless, and his voice is raw and shy. "When I saw a picture of you, I finally realized that I was attracted to guys."

I watch him silently, and I press back against him. He's cold, and his face is still tear streaked, but I was floating almost. We were both hovering above a battlefield, a fight that was clouded in our minds, and for once we were in the calm of the storm. A place of tranquility.

"Really?" I ask softly.

Xavier shrugs. "I was"

"Was?"

"Fine." Xavier says roughly, but his eyes are determined. "I am. I still am."

"Really?"

Xavier lets out a long breath, impatient huff.
"Yeah."

"Ok." I say quietly.

"I should go."

I blink, surprised. "Ok." I repeat.

I take a deep breath, stand up and Xavier does the same.

"You okay driving back home?" I ask as we both shuffle towards the front door. Xavier stays close to me, and our hands brush as we walk side by side. It's too close. Too soon. But it doesn't feel wrong...should it?

"Yeah." He says. He pulls his shoes back on, the laces loose. He hobbles to the door, and I help him down the porch step. He turns suddenly, leans close, presses his lips so lightly against my jaw, rips away just as fast, his face ashen and surprised.

"What was that for?" I ask quietly — reach a hand up to let my fingers touch the place where my skin is burning — but I'm blushing, and I feel young and carefree like I did when I was young. I felt reborn. I felt awake.