Count On Me

XV

Xavier:

I lost consciousness again after that. It sounds cliche, but the sound of Cal's voice made reality flow back to me. Honestly, almost any sound did. I longed to grasp onto that little stimulation that let me hold on, hoping that It'll be strong enough to pull me from this nightmare. I want this to be a dream, I want to wake up and go see Cal, see Sukie, go back to my job—my goddam life.

But Cal isn't coming back.

So when that door shut I no longer wished to hold onto reality, I waited for myself to fall into those depths that let me feel numb and alone. A quiet place that felt like purgatory.

A temporary purgatory that let me grieve. I soaked myself in the darkness, no pain—it was scarier than that, it was the feeling of nothing.

And I liked that scariness.

I wanted to feel something. Anything other than this emptiness, that soft tug in your chest and flip in your stomach that never goes away.

I wanted my body to stop craving Cal.

I almost told him I loved him.

No...love him.

Love him.

Cal.

I wasn't supposed to talk with my collapsed lung, and a few days passed before I could ask the hospital to call Issac and Elliot for me.

They showed up in record time, Elliot refusing to leave my side, Issac offering me millions of things like food and drinks and magazines and books and music and movies and tv shows...the whole works.

Issac and Elliot would give me the world if I could, they'd turn back time if it meant I would continue to be happy like I was before.

Of course: I wanted Cal.

I wanted to tell him my side of the story. I wanted him to listen to my side, even if he still hates me. I want him to know that it was never my intention to hurt her, and I meant it every time when I said I would watch over her. I didn't repeat it for the sake of getting Cal off my back. I did it for the sake of gaining Cal's trust and earning a relationship with his family. I wanted to be a part of it.

I wanted a family. I wanted to be in one. I was denied one with Sandy, and I wanted one with Cal and Sukie.

I wanted so much.

But was it too much?

—————————

Cal:

Sukie was mad when we got home, screamed at me and cried.

"You never listen to me!" She screeched.

"No." I say calmly, angry at everything. "You don't get to talk when this isn't your fight. This is between adults and what responsibility is. I will not have my daughter get in the middle of this."

"Get your head out of the gutter and listen to me!" Sukie sobs.

"Don't talk to your father like that!" I yell back then. I've never yelled at my daughter before, but I have to put my foot down for once in my lifetime.

"Xavier saved me!" Sukie yells, staying the stubborn person she is like me. "He veered to get hit himself. Not me. So don't cut him out of our lives for an act that sacrificed himself."

"Go upstairs. I'm not listening to this right now." I mutter. Sukie's eyes widen, her shoulders slump, her eyes red and puffy.
I turn off, head towards my office and shut the door once more.