fifteen ; l.h.

him

it was the first night in luke's entire life where he didn't want to sleep.

most nights, he didn't sleep because it failed to come to him, but that night, he couldn't bear the thought of closing his eyes and slipping away from the moment he had frozen in his brain.

through drooping eyelids, he watched the tiny girl in his arms as her eyelashes fluttered every so often on her cheekbones in her sleep.

usually, the idea of watching someone in their sleep was a little too twilight-esque for him and he hated it, but watching noelle then, he was proven wrong. never before had he seen her so at peace with things.

it was cliché and overdone - watching a girl while she slept - but for him, it meant so much more than admiring her pretty features. he was memorizing her, really. just in case she left like everyone else.

his phone vibrated in his pocket as he received a call, making him jolt slightly when his attention was turned away from the small brunette girl. 

untangling himself from her, he hefted himself onto the fire escape and stared at his ringing phone. the number was blocked, but he answered anyways, hoping to scare away any salesmen.

"hello?" he greeted unsurely.

"luke, is that really you? oh, this is rich."

luke felt the blood drain from his face. it was him.

it was the main reason luke left his old hometown in the first place.

it was the person who made luke's life a living hell.

"michael?" his voice quivered in a mixture of fear and hatred.

"aw, you still remember me?" michael cooed mockingly with laughter in the background that could only belong to his best friend, calum. "i'm flattered, hemmo. i really am."

"how the fuck did you get my number, clifford?" luke spat, his free fist clenching.

"you know your friend? ashton? yeah, well he moved back into town a few weeks ago, asked where you were. i said you moved away to god knows where and he told me you wouldn't return any calls or texts so he gave me your number so that i could try. guess you do miss me, huh?"

if it was possible, luke felt his heart drop further into his stomach. ashton wouldn't ever do this. he wouldn't make him go through any of this, would he?

sure, ash moved away before any of the bad shit ruined luke's life, but someone had to have told him what happened.

right?

"what do you want from me?" he said almost pleadingly. "what more could you possibly want from me?"

"i just wanted to say hi to an old friend, is all," michael sounded smug. "i'm actually surprised you haven't killed yourself yet. thought that'd be the first thing you'd do once you got away from here. so you could join your family-"

"shut the fuck up!" luke yelled, breathing heavily. "don't talk about them to me like you know what happened! just get the hell away from me!"

more laughter from his end of the phone. "i missed hearing you blow up like that. as if what happened to them wasn't any of your fault."

"leave me alone," he sobbed, back sliding down the wall. "please."

"as much as i love your begging, i'm afraid i can't do that," michael told him with false sympathy. "your past won't ever leave you alone, luke. no matter where you run. have a nice night. you'll be hearing from us soon."

then the phone went silent and luke's grip loosened, sending it to the floor with a loud clang as it hit the metal. he buried his face into his knees and let the sobs wrack his body.

there was no running from anyone. there was no running from what happened and he hated it. he wasn't even sure why michael did what he did. the guy has hated him since grade 9, he knew that much.

but was that really enough to ruin his life like this? luke wouldn't ever understand.

"luke, i heard yelling, are you alright?"

noelle's tired voice made him raise his head towards her as she stepped out of the window. as soon as she noticed his tear-streaked face, her eyes went wide and she fell to the floor beside him, taking his face in her hands.

"i can't do this anymore," he told her through his tears. "i'm sorry, i know i promised you the chance to give me fifteen reasons, but i don't think i'll last that long."

"no," she shook her head. "luke, what are you saying? please don't give up. tell me what happened. i can make it better, i swear."

"you can't fix this. just like you can't fix me. i'm sorry for wasting your time, but i think you should just forget about me. i'm no good for you."

luke hated the look in her eyes when he pulled his face from her hands and stood.

he hated how utterly broken she looked.

he hated that he was the cause of that.

he hated himself.

still, he had to do this. his past wouldn't stop chasing him and luke didn't want noelle involved in that.

his back was facing her and he was turned towards the stairs so he could leave, but his feet refused to move. the largest part of him refused to leave this girl alone and defeated, but he was forcefully trying to make himself do so for her sake.

"reason four," her voice cracked as she stood up behind him. his back tensed as he heard her step closer. "me. isn't that enough reason to stay alive? luke, please tell me that it is. tell me that you'll stay alive for me."

"yes, god, yes. always and forever." was what he wanted to say. but he couldn't and he hated himself that much more for it.

"i'm sorry, noelle. but i can't say that. i'd be lying if i did."

then he walked away, each step making his newly mended heart break that much more than the last. if he looked back, he knew that he wouldn't be able to leave, so he didn't.

once again, everything in his life had gone wrong.

and as usual, it was all his fault.

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does anyone else hate me. because i hate me. what did i even write im sorry god this hurt me to do but ugh why do i get these ideas. ihy brain.

also, dedicated to hell0darlings bc her support and comments make me smile and i think we should be friends bc you're super rad hun xx