Please Don't Try and Turn On the Lights

19. Rockstar vs. Regular Guy from Sheffield

A few hours later, I was walking towards the café Alex had asked me to meet him at. I was still frustrated with him but I wanted to hear what he had to say for himself. At first, Alex had wanted to stop by my apartment, but I had voted against it and had proposed meeting at a café. Neutral grounds. That way, I could be the one who decided when to leave.

As I approached the café, I could see Alex waiting for me outside with a cigarette tugged between his lips. He was talking on the phone.

"Look, I've got to go now, I'll talk to you later, alright?" he said to the person on the other end of the line. I could hear a woman's voice say something but I couldn't hear what she said.

Alex shot me an apologetic smile before he said, "Yeah, yeah, me too. Talk to you later," and hung up.

"So!" he said as he had put his phone back in his pocket, "Hi Rhea"

"Hi," I said without smiling.

Neither of us went in for a hug. We just stood there. Awkwardly gazing at each other.

"Want to go inside or should we just stand here all day?" he laughed.

I didn't answer him but turned on my heel and headed for the door to the café. Behind me, I could hear Alex mutter, "inside it is then," before he followed me.

We both ordered a big cup of americano before we sat down on two chairs opposite each other.

"How was your night?" I eventually asked him.

He shrugged, "it was alright, I guess. You should have been there, you know."

"Maybe if you'd asked me," I said in an icy tone.

"Come on, Rhea," he laughed, "I did ask you. Granted, it was not the most elegant way of asking, but I was asking you.."

"You asked me last-minute. I had other plans."

"Other plans? Like sitting in your pyjamas eating doritos?" he laughed, "yeah, Katie told me. So you could imagine me acting like a spoiled little brat when I found out that you chose doritos and a bad movie over seeing me."

"So what? I'm not going to drop everything I've planned just because you wanted someone to terrorise for an entire evening!"

"Terrorise?" He lifted his eyebrows at me.

"You don't think I know why you wanted me there? So you could get a quick shag with me after a couple of shots of tequila?"

Alex was about to interrupt me.

"I'm not done Alex! I'm not just some girl you can call and then expect her to be there ten minutes later. I don't want to be your booty call! If you truly wanted me to be at your party, you would've invited me before - and you definitely wouldn't have ignored me at the bar the other night."

Alex wasn't looking at me anymore. Instead, he was staring at his hands that were folded neatly in his lap. "Is that really what you think of me?" he was clearly hurt, "that I would use you like that?"

"Well, I don't know, Alex! In L.A., I was sure you had feelings for me - but seeing how you've treated me these last couple of days, I'm not so sure anymore; First, you say that you miss me and then you continue ignoring me for the rest of the evening. Then, you invite me to a party telling me to bring my 'cute friends' - I don't know what was meant by that but I'm guessing you didn't invite them just to look at them. And to make matters worse; the next morning you're dying to see me. I don't get it. Are you trying to play hard to get or something? Because this emotional rollercoaster that you've put me through these past months have absolutely not been worth it."

"I'm embarrassed.." he said in almost a whisper, "I don't want you to think of me like that. That's how the media sees me and that's not who I am."

"Have you ever stopped and wondered exactly why the media sees you that way?" I asked him, almost lowering my voice to a whisper too. "Maybe this life has gotten the best of you."

"This is not who i am," he croaked, "I'm still the shy guy from Sheffield that hates being in the spotlight. The guy that's doing everything for music..." he held a small break before continuing, "I hate that you see me as nothing more than the bloody rockstar that has to do coke just to get through the day. I hate that I feel I need to live up to everybody's expectations all the time. I am so much more than that," he looked up at me with a look in this eyes I'd never seen before. Hurt and anger.

"Then show me who you are. I feel like you're both the shy guy and the sulking rockstar. I like them both but I never know who I'm talking to."

"I'm sorry for not inviting you the other day. I guess I was scared you'd say no or that you didn't want to talk to me because of what happened in L.A. It was childish and I honestly don't know why I acted like that because I'm used to being confident around girls - I just don't think I've met someone like...you before." he sighed, "I missed you endlessly while you were gone. The guys can confirm that," he added with a huff. "I don't care about what all the others think. I care about what you think."

"I need to be sure that you're not going to let me down or break my heart again."

"I won't. I promise. I just want to be friends again."

I nodded. I had not expected him to be friends. Not when I wanted to so much more. He must've felt my discomfort because we both took a sip of our coffees at the same time. Ignoring the awkward silence between us.

"I think I need to get going," I said. I had to get out of there.

"Yeah, me too. I have to go..uuhhh...practise scales with Jamie.."

I nodded. Not really sure how else to react to his obvious lie. He looked as if he wanted to say something but he didn't.

"See you around," I said before I grabbed my raincoat and left him alone at the coffee table.