While he's gone...

An Uncommon Friday

I had stayed up the entire night, unable to sleep with the thought of bff (Best Fucking Friend) being in a hospital. His last messages that I could remember was that he was in the hospital, a camera trained on him, and a locked up tv. 

My mother came to my room. " c'mon kiddo, you gotta get up" She said. I only sighed, and got up, my face still tear stricken. I got ready for school, leaving Woof on my shelf, and headed out. I didn't say a word to my mother as she drove me to school. Out of the entire day, all I could do was wait. Every hour, I expected bff to walk in to class. Every time, I had to remind myself, he wasn't here right now. He was elsewhere. Every time, I had to leave class on the excuse of a bathroom break, and every time, I cried.

By the time 3rd period came, I had to tell Ana, bff's closest friend, that was also a girl, about what happened. And how it was my fault. How I caused it. How I pushed him. I once again had tears streaming and I messaged my mom " can I please go home?". I got a simple "no" for an answer. Of course not. My family was built on toughing things out, no matter how much mental strength it broke down. 

4th period. That's where it all started. Everything felt surreal. My thoughts kept crowding my mind. " Your Fault", " you pushed him", " he won't trust you", "no longer friends", " he won't like you", the voices continued and swam around in my head and tugged at my emotions. I quickly raised my hand. " May I use the restroom?" I asked, and was excused with the same sentence I got from every other class. " hurry back"

10 minutes later, I got myself under control again, and wiped the tears away. My left wrist was red from the scratches I caused. And yet, no one seemed to notice my cries. I looked myself over in the mirror.

My eyes were more sunken in, with bags lining the bottom. My face was a little red and puffy from the tears. I sighed. If he saw me like this... He'd give me hell about it. He'd tell me to sleep when I got home, then ask me why I was crying. Just the thought of this brought fresh tears to my mind. I wiped them away quickly, and realized the bell was about to ring. 

I left the bathroom and headed up to the history room. Where the bell just rang. I got my stuff as fast as possible, and continued through the day.

6th period I spent distracting myself, not with art, but with helping out for choir and other things. By the time I finished volunteering, it was time to get ready to leave. I grabbed my stuff as quickly as possible, and flied out the door, into the bus. There, I curled up in a ball within my jacket, and kept myself in control.

As soon as I was home, I ran up to my room, grabbed woof, and laid in bed, curled under my covers. I didn't want to leave. Instead, memories of the day before flooded me, and I cried once more.

 By now, I was probably dehydrated from how much I cried and how little I drank that day.

Exhaustion started to set in, and I started falling asleep... Until my phone rang. I looked at the time, 5:34, and saw my mom calling. I answered, to a very pissed off mother, telling me to pack to go to my grandparents for the weekend. I hung up, and only cried more. Unable to stop. 

We went to my grandparents. I once again, didn't sleep. I brought Woof with me, but my mind was still on my bff. I felt like I betrayed him, like he'd never be able to trust me again, or hell, even talk to me, despite how we talk through his mother. So far, she's acted as our personal messenger, telling me what he replies with so I can make my own. But my only problem is, how do I know he's not acting?..

I don't know. I still can't get the thoughts out of my head.