While he's gone...

A Tired Monday

As I stayed up, I left this little sort of party light going the entire night. I noted how the colors moved, and how I sort of lost myself within the colors. I got my computer out, and checked the school website to see we had a 2 hour delay today.  So, I got up, hopped in the shower, and got ready early. My mom already left, before I got in the shower in fact. It was still only 8:52. 

I spent the rest of my time on Facebook, when my friend from homeschool messaged me

Him: "TAYLORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR" he sentMe: "BUUUUUDDDDDDYYYYYY"Him: "WHERE THE FUCK U BEEN?"Me: "in a shitty life where if I do one thing I screw up everything"Him: "Sounds pretty familiar"Me: "Well, did you basically tell you friends parents he planning on suicide and have to basically              watch him get dragged away by his parents to the hospital?         and basically betray his trust"Him: "No, but ive had it happen to me by a friend"Me: "... what was it like?"Him: "It was great!"Me: "?"Him: "I'm kidding           it fucking sucked"Me: "I figured.         how'd you feel about the friend that told them afterwards?"Him: "Depends on what i missed out on while in the hospital"Me: "ok... how long were you in the hospital for?"Him: "20 mins"Me: "ok well did you have to go to a mental insitiute?        institute* sorry, haven't slept in a while"Him: "Fuck no, aint no one could make me go to one of them shitty ass places"Me: "yeah, well that's where I made MY friend go        and I feel like shit for it"Him: "Feel no regret......"Me: "oh, trust me, I feel all the regret"Him: "Oh, trust me, DONT!"Me: "too late"Him: "You prob helped him get better by doing that"Me: "I've been fucking regretting this since Thursday"Him: "Would u feel regret if u found someone on the side of the road injured and picked them up              and took them to the hospital?"Me: "no, but its not the same either"Him: "Kinda, it is"Me: "It's the fact that he's my 2nd best friend ( other than you) and I was literally the ONE person           he trusted        if he attempts to do it again, he won't tell me.        and the way he begged me not to tell his parents"

I was in tears at this point. I could almost hear his voice while he chatted me. The way he BEGGED me to not tell them. It KILLED me inside, knowing I had done the one thing he didn't want. I slammed my computer shut, got my bag packed, and headed to the school.

I have to wait by the middle school, so the bus can pick me up and drive me to the high school. But there was one thing I noticed. I'm the only one sitting here right now. It's 9:32, and normally the bus shows up at 9:40, maybe 9:50.

Finally, someone else shows up. I don't know his name, but he's friends with my worst enemy. Jacob. And then my friend, thats also friends with bff,  and then Eli, and then the girl who lives next door, along with Treynetta and Markeisha. Then it was Chris. Then Tyler. 

9:48. I feel like shit. I feel like imma pass out. I'm so tired. I don't know how long i'm gonna be able to keep this up today. If I find out Zach can't come home today, then i'm definitely gonna break. Cause I know how badly he wants to come back. I want him back here just as much. So that I can hug him tight, and tell him i'm sorry. That is, if he doesn't push me off first.

I'm still scared he's going to ignore me. To push me away, and never talk to me again. To leave me in the dust, all broke and such. I know, I shouldn't think like this. If we are still friends, he wouldn't want me like this. But I can't help it. I haven't slept since the day he went to the hospital. so... no sleep in... 4 nights? Yea, that sounds about right. 

10:00, and still no bus.

Finally, I got to school right as the bell rang, and decide to just skip p.e entirely. I don't care if he marks me absent. I can simply go to the office later and tell them I was there.