While he's gone...

A Hopeful Sunday

I found out my bff has a chance to come home tomorrow. Me and his mother have been keeping in touch with everything. She was still our little messenger to each other. Despite how my bff seemed to be doing, I couldn't shake a certain feeling. Was he faking it? Faking his quick recovery, his smile, his laughs or his responses? Or maybe even faking it all?

I ended up staying up the entire night. I still can't get these stupid thoughts out of my head, even now while i'm typing. I had to babysit. from 8 am til 2 pm. My mom stayed with me, knowing I was having a hard enough time with my bff gone. She constantly tells me she's proud of me for what I did, but how the hell am I supposed to feel? Should I feel proud of myself? Cause I don't. I only feel guilty. It all was my fault in the first place. I pushed him to the edge. 

What kind of friend am I?

As my mom drove us home, I pretended to sleep, while really, I was lost in thoughts. I had my back turned to her. " what kind of friend am I? It's my fault he's in a damn hospital right now... I don't deserve to even keep talking to him after he's out of this. I'm a bad influence. I shouldn't have ever even joined the robotics team. I shouldn't have ever even made friends here. I could last a whole year without friends. I've done it before. I can do it again... Maybe I need to just, disappear... I could run away. Where would I even go?" 

I continued pondering this until we got home. Where I once again went back to my room. For once it felt... warm. Cozy, even. UNTIL I REALIZED MY DOG PISSED ON MY BED AGAIN! GODDAMNIT TAUREN NRLKJGNWBGIWHB;HIBGHIBWEGIH EWIH HWBGPRIBGPHWEBIGHBRPEIVHBREWBVIERHWBGITGUHITURHTUHPUHUHUIHIUHBUV8YRGYGBYUROBGYUEBGYUEWBGIRBEVUBER

I got the mess cleaned up before I got on my computer, and pull up my roleplay site, Wolfplaygame.com and check my game mail. Nothing new. 

I go into my google hangouts, and see  I have a new message. I get excited instantly, thinking it's from my bff, but once again, it's not. He's still in the hospital. Instead, it's from Phia, asking if I was working on our debate.

My phone buzzes. It's 7:43 pm, and his mom messaged me. I quickly got on the message and read, before actually smiling a little. I only really ever smiled when I found out he'd laugh at my replies. 

" Bff says thank you, he misses you and he wishes friends could visit " cuz that'd be awesome" and he said to call you a dickhead?"

I giggle a little, before my eyes fill with tears at memories. I guess he'll never know just how much this hurts for me. I quickly reply back

"Lmao, call him an asshole for me please. Also, got a 12 pack of yahoos"

Yahoos was what his mother called yoohoos, the chocolate drinks that all you have to do is shake before drinking. They basically tasted like chocolate heaven. 

I got a reply back, only a couple minutes later

" Haha... he said you'd say that. Sent that to your mom's phone too cuz I didn't know which phone you had haha".

I worked out my reply, but of course, AT&T doesn't work well in the north. So, I sat and wait for the stupid reply to send out. I still got that same feeling of guilt though. What if he's doing this for his parents? For them to see he's still happy? I got my reply sent out using my moms phone, before having her tell his mom to move to facebook. 

I went back up to my room. I glanced at the time. 8:13. 12 more hours to go till i'd be at school, expecting my bff to walk through the gym doors. I laid in bed, keeping away from the still-drying spot. I then realized, Woof was still on my shelf. I got up, grabbed Woof, and laid back down.

" What if he never trusts me again? Then the next time this happens, he doesn't tell me anything? Hell, what if he doesn't talk to me? I don't deserve to be his friend anymore. I betrayed his trust. Plus, what the hell would I do if he did try to... I'd feel way to guilty.. I'd probably try to run away. To somewhere where no one would expect to find me. I could always try to run to my stepdads place. He was back in Arkansas. It'd get me far away from here. Plus, at this point, I deserve every ounce of torture. I don't deserve friends". My mind slowly went to darker, and darker thoughts. My stomach growled.

I realized I haven't eaten since 3:05 pm. Only problem was, I didn't want to eat anymore. I didn't want to sleep. Not until I saw my bff, safe and sound, and the happy boy I used to know. 

All that I hope is that he isn't faking it.