Bad Bitch ⋙ N.Romanoff

t w e n t y f i v e

BAD BITCH
❝these were the women who knitted pain into glory❞

25. Growing Pains

February 2017

'When this is over. I want you to delete my file. I want you to delete me from history; erase my name, my past, everything. I want you to forget I exist and to never contact me again. I want you to pretend I was never an issue for you.'

❝So you're just disappearing again?❞
Natalia lets out, trying to fight the disappointment burning in her gut, and Svetlana doesn't respond for a few moments. Neither women wanted to say their farewells. Perhaps in another world, she'd stay. Yet, knowing that both the Serum and her daughter were somewhere close to her, she couldn't bring herself to stay for any longer. She supposed that Natalia had thought she would stay for longer, especially after the conversation they'd had a few days previous, but it was nearing the end of the month and Svetlana knew that she couldn't stay without the risks of never leaving. Since joining to help the Avengers, merely a month previous, the woman had found herself feeling a deep feeling of happiness begin to settle under her skin. She'd opened up to them in ways she could have never expected, becoming fond of all of them in her own way, and Svetlana knew that if she were to stay any longer - she'd only hurt more when she eventually had to leave. So, mulling it over the previous night, she'd decided that it was her time to leave. She'd far outstayed her welcome, though the Avengers had seemed pleased by her presence after she'd toned her aggression down, and was only going to hurt them more if she let her emotions take over. She'd had a month of feeling, of having a presence of emotion that wasn't empty inside of her, and Svetlana couldn't help but think that she didn't particularly deserve to be able to feel like she did. People were dying to catch a glimpse of the heroes and yet they'd allowed her to stay in their own compound and she just knew that she didn't deserve it.
❝I suppose I am.❞

Steve had once told her that she could be redeemed. It had been the night of their party, the night where Svetlana had gotten quite tipsy with the rest of them, and she still remembered the look of sureness on all of their faces when he'd spoken. He'd claimed that she wasn't as evil as she seemed to think of herself and that she deserved to be surrounded by people who enjoyed her presence. He'd said that he knew that it wasn't her fault, blaming Hydra with ease, and, to her disgust and surprise, the whole table had agreed. They'd all murmured in agreement and had even drunk to it.
It scared Svetlana.
Nothing scared her as much as disappointing those that she loved. It filled her bones with dread. She couldn't seem to even imagine what it would feel like to see the entire team disappointed at her. So, yes, the statement had scared her. It was far too bold, far too self assured, and wasn't even true. Or maybe it was, maybe Hydra really had fucked her up enough for her to no longer be able to distinguish her own actions from theirs, but she knew that she couldn't live knowing they thought it of her. If people began to believe her to be anything but a monster, they'd eventually see that her natural power was to kill. She could never begin to repent, couldn't save people instead of kill, because there was just too much red on her hands. Steve had seemed sure, something he was often, but Svetlana knew that she'd just end up disappointing him as well.
It had been a reason as to why she'd decided to leave so abruptly. It had been the moment, the moment where she almost agreed with him, where she realised that she was letting people far too close to her heart. If they knew anything, even a small flicker, of what she'd done, they would think a very different way. Svetlana didn't want to live in fear of making other people worry about her so she certainly would stay for shorter than she wanted. She wanted to stay with them, to become part of a team and a family just as Natalia had managed, but she knew it would never work. She was just saving them all the heartbreak.