❝yours, tommy❞ | dylmas

12. i'm sorry

Thomas POV

Outside my door is Dylan, heavily breathing like he ran up the stairs or something. He seems as lost as I am now.

Outside my door is Dylan, and I can't breathe anymore. Anxiety is tightening my chest. All kind of emotions run in my veins, sadness, fear, relief, hope.

We keep staring at each other, not saying a word, until Dylan steps forward; I have to step back and rest my hands on the kitchen table not to fall. I squeeze my eyes shut and breathe deeply. The door closes and it's like the air is gone.

"Tommy, I..." Dylan tries to reach my hand, but I step back a little bit more and face him.

"What are you doing here?"

Ooch. It came out more coldly than I wanted.

His eyes are shiny and he blinks slightly, I think he's trying not to cry. Well that makes two of us. I've got a horrible lump in my throat, fighting the urge to cry my soul out. I can't believe he's here.

"Tommy I... I came here to apologize. I owe you an explanation, I do. I'm terribly sorry."

My brain doesn't understand anything anymore. It works at top speed and I can't think straight.

"You're sorry?"

Dylan tries to reach me again, but again I step back. It hurts me so bad to do this, because deep down all I want is him, what we had for a couple of days, but how could I? How can I know he won't hurt me again?

When he sees me stepping back again, tears leave his eyes and roll down his puffy cheeks. He then tries to talk but he doesn't seem to form actual words. I have to dig my nails into the palms of my hands to keep myself from crying too.

"Do you know how I felt Dylan? Can you imagine for a second how I felt?"

"Tommy p-please let me explain.."

"You kissed me! Why did you do that if you didn't love me, uh? Why would you toy with my feelings like that?"

This time it's enough and I can't hold back my tears any longer. "You told me a bunch of stuff that I believed were real! I wanted to believe you, so much Dylan, because I love you. You told me so many sweet things! You even asked me not to leave, and the next thing you do when we're apart? You let me down. Without even an explanation."

"I can explain now! That's why I came. I never lied to you. I swear, I never did. Please, let me explain." Dylan says, his voice strong and broke at the same time.

We both stand still, my heart's pounding like crazy and I can hear it into my ears. Silent tears keep falling down my face. I don't know what to do anymore. I never thought we were going to end like this. I knew, I knew it would ruin everything. As I don't respond and only stare, Dylan continues to talk, trying to be as calm as possible between the sobs he lets out.

"I got scared. When you left, it all came flooding back. And I got scared that I might not be enough for you because you've got the anxiety and I don't know how it works and how I can take care of you. I got scared that I would only hurt you more and more. I thought it'd be better to leave you alone. And it was the most difficult thing I've ever done. I missed you, every second of this was a torture. Tommy, I'm sorry... I've realized how wrong I was. I know it now. I can learn how to take care of you. I love you, Tommy baby. I want to be with you, I truly do."

Every word is like a slap in the face, as I dig my nails a little further into my palms to push my heartache away. But it doesn't work. It doesn't work, and it results only with more wounds on my hands. My head hurts, so much.

"You got scared? How do you think I felt, Dylan? Don't you think I was scared too when I opened up to you? Do you know how hard it is for me? To open up? Fuck, you've always been enough for me. Don't you get it? You've always been the one, the only one who can calm me down only by being in the same room as me. You've always, always been enough, you've always been all I want and need!" my fist punches the table and I bleed again.

Dylan reaches up to it really fast and grab my hands into his, and I feel so powerless, so tired, my strength is so gone... I let him do so. He softly brushes his lips to my knuckles. The feeling of his lips against my skin is like a burn. I don't even have the strength to blink anymore, as I stare at his mouth on my hands.

"I'm so sorry, Tommy baby. I never wanted this. I never meant to hurt you. But I did and I'm so, so fucking sorry. I've been the worst coward, I've let you down, but I swear, I will never again."

"I don't know if I can trust you anymore."

"I know, I know but... You can, you can trust me Tommy. I'll never, never hurt you again. I promise you with my life, my sweet Tommy, I'll always be there now. I love you, so much. I could never leave you again."

I meet his eyes and whisper. ''How could you leave me just like that when you knew about...my issues? How could you leave me when you knew you were my anchor?"

His hands still holding mine, I slowly reach up his face and catches the single little tear rolling down his face, next to his lovely nose.

"I don't know how I could. I don't know how I ever could.''

He lets go of my hands as we stare each other in the eyes. His lovely brown eyes and his perfect, so long eyelashes. I'm barely aware of the tears still coming out my eyes, of my lips slightly parted open.

I'm only aware of Dylan softly touching my cheeks with his thumbs. Only aware of the terrible pain I feel in my heart, the tiredness of my body and mind. I'm only aware of my eyes inside Dylan's.

And then, it's an explosion. He crushes his lips against mine and slides his hands behind my neck to pull me closer. Before I know it, my lips move in sync with his and I can't think of anything - my heart suffers too much. Too much sadness, anger, but also relief and a fucking, dangerous happiness. 

I can't help it but breaking into tears, right there in the middle of the kiss, and my lips close to form a sad smile, something that I can't even control, because it's way too much. I burst into tears and fall to the ground, on my knees, and so is Dylan. He pulls me in his chest and gently rubs my hair. I hold on to his chest like my life depends on it, I hold on really tight, so he can never leave again.

And I let go, loud, gasping sobs leaving my mouth, I cry, I scream my pain, my fear away.

He came back.

🌼

It took me half an hour to calm down and luckily Ki Hong isn't home yet. We're still on the floor, my eyes closed, my breath heavy, Dylan's shirt is all wet because of my tears.

"Tommy baby?"

I nod.

"I never want you to hurt yourself again." He mutters.

"...I couldn't make the pain disappear." I whisper while staring at my bleeding hands. Dylan rubs slowly his thumb against my wounds.

"I'm deeply, deeply sorry, my little bear. I'll never leave you again, you hear me?"

I nod again and raise my head up to face Dylan. "Can you kiss me? So I know this isn't a dream?"

He slightly smiles and leans in. It's a firework when our lips meet. It's a desperate, loving kiss. It's a "I'm sorry" kiss that we both deepens by running our hands on each other's face, body.

It's a loving, soft and sweet kiss, it's a promise he'll never leave.

It's a promise he loves me.

It's a bandage over my broken heart.

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nda: Hello! The chapter's already here. I hope you liked it and I hope it was a "realistic" fight. I love y'all so much. We're not done with our babies yet.